my week in review

Today I was standing outside talking to my cousin in a parking lot. This truck pulls up to a stop sign. The windows are down and the driver is this guy, and he's letting whoever's sitting next to him in the truck have it. The f-bomb is flying, he's calling her names, he's yelling, he's scaring ME and I'm not even the person he's talking to. At one point I swear me and Crazy made eye contact, and I feel like that would persuade a normal person to at least tone it down a little, but it didn't affect him at all. I couldn't see who was next to him, but I said to my cousin, "If that's a kid in there, I'm calling the police." It was a woman, I'm guessing it was his wife. She appeared to be just sitting there and taking it. He made a left and drove out of sight. I wasn't sure what to do, and my cousin said there really wasn't anything we could do because we didn't see his license plate and we didn't know where he was going.

Two weeks ago I was sitting on my back porch with some friends at night when we heard a scream. It was a kid, and I could tell which house it was coming from. Now, I know everyone feels the need to throw a tantrum now and then (sometimes I still get the urge to be honest) but it really didn't sound like that. It sounded like someone was potentially in pain, but I really couldn't be sure. The thing is, I don't know these people. I looked around for extra food from the picnic we'd had that day. I thought maybe if we had some left over I could take it over and ask if these people wanted any and kind of go from there. But I couldn't find anything. So I didn't go.

On Monday, I went to a FREE (freedom and restoration for everyone enslaved) meeting. It was really great. These people get together to learn about human trafficking and take action against it in our county. I learned ALOT on Monday, and there were alot of things said that I'm thinking about. Towards the end this woman asked a really good question. I don't remember what the question was but somewhere in the dialogue that took place as a result of it, she started talking about Latino brothels. Apparently these places are really hard to bust because they look like houses. No one knows they're there.

And I mean I'm really hoping to do something with my life that involves social justice. IJM is still the dream, but I'm seeing that things happen everywhere. I could work in my hometown. I could work in any town. And I just really wish I knew my neighbors. I wish I was nosy, overprotective, concerned and INVOLVED. I wish I had called the police. I wish I hadn't been too proud to FIND a reason to go next door. I just don't want to be one of those people who passes people by...
(I'm done here because any resolutions of change wouldn't make sense yet-they'd sound good, but whether or not I will do them remains to be seen)

ALMOST over it

i would like to spend the rest of my life on cloud 9 if possible. i don't care if it's realistic, i want to be deliriously happy about everything, darn it. but lately i've been getting mushy/sentimental/hormonal/nostalgic, etc. about everything. you name it, i'm feelin it. it's annoying. i've spend quite a bit of time and effort learning how to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way. it really is one of my biggest struggles (i tend to binge, have anxiety attacks, grind my teeth, and/or obsess about well EVERYTHING to cope). and lately i've been feeling alot of negative emotions because my life is just comfortble right now, and i'm no longer sure that i want to leave it.



i've been wanting to move to the south since high school. back then my plan was to become a social worker, live on biscuits and gravy, and roam free. i would barely make enough to pay the bills by working in the public sector and helping the poorest people i could find. i wanted my life to be straight out of a john grisham novel. i told lots of people about my plan, but then for some reason i totally forgot about it after high school. (a friend reminded me at the end of our freshman year of college. tim macarthur, wherever you are, you're a gem.)

so you know, fast forward four years, i'm going to law school. i think i've already written about why i want to go in here, and if not and you're reading this, chances are i've already explained it to you as best as i can. (i believe the actual answer would be something like, "uhh i really have no clue what i'm doing at this point, but i really believe God is directing me here. i don't now yet how He's going to use me or even if i'll be able to handle law school, the bar exam, or a potential post law school job. the reality is that i'm not actually that smart, but i feel really passionately about the whole concept of justice in general and i don't mind spending three years in the library,and i have some ideas about what i want to do with it, but mostly it just seemed like something worth pursing. so uhhh, we'll see. maybe i'll fail out and see you again in december. if you don't see me, please take that as a sign that it's working out." but people aren't ok with that. they don't tend to accept the whole God being a mystery thing. i don't get it either. so i'm always attepting some kind of lame explanation for what i honestly don't know much about yet.)

anyways, i'm not sure why i went off on that whole mini tirade or why the majority of that last paragraph is in parentheses, but what i'm trying to say is that i've always wanted to move to the south. i have a few complaints about pennsylvania, and quite a few more specifically about berks county. i've wanted out for a long time. i've had many conversations with my dad about how this just isn't my place. it's too cold. manners are lacking. i don't like the food. and on and on and on....but lately, i've been able to picture it. i can see me getting a teaching job around here. spending as much time in bloomsburg with my favorite girls as possible. going to my daddy's church. hanging out with a few cool people i've recently started chillin with around here. being around for tim and sarah's future babies. i could have a really great life here.

and i don't know why i'm starting to think this way. i never have before. i think i'm just getting scared and like really uncomfortable. i remember packing up all my stuff for my first semester at bloomsburg. i had a minimeltdown after packing up an entire box of shoes. i had never seen them all together in a box before and for some reason that was particularly stress inducing. i don't know, i just feel like pure adrenaline (and ALOT of support from people who love me) is what got me through the whole prelaw school process, and that adrenaline is gone. i don't feel all "cloud 9"ish about this anymore. this is where if me and law school were dating, i'd start pulling back and reconsidering. actually, i think that's exactly what i've been doing lately. i had been imagining it in all it's glory, and now i'm trying to imagine it for what it is. and i mean, i think i'll have big moments of loneliness, homesickness, stress, fatigue, and well, bitchiness. but the stuff i said in the parentheses paragraph is true. those are my reasons for going, and they may not sound very convincing, but they're what i'm basing this life decision on. i'm NOT changing my mind, i'm just getting over the honeymoon phase and trying to be ok with that.

I'm a runner...

I love being single. I don't want to lie and try to pretend like I'm in this phase of life where I'm feeling fulfilled and content 100% of the time, but I do love being single.

I'm a runner.

I didn't realize this about myself. I've always thought of myself as loyal and the kind of girl who finishes what she starts. And that's true. For the most part, I don't quit sports, clubs, organizations, volunteer work, or jobs. I stick up for my friends even when they're wrong because they're MY FRIENDS darn it. I don't (or haven't yet) changed majors.

But I'm so quick to quit Bible studies, churches, and any other type of christian gathering. My reasoning is simple. I love God. And I don't want to be involved in something that will suck that love out of me. I don't ever want to associate "Bible study" with "boring." That would be a crying shame. So if my Bible study IS boring, then it would be better for me not to go. To keep the love that I have for God is worth sacrificing fellowship for. That's what I choose to believe. So I tend to allow myself to roam in this area. Because, to be honest, sometimes people annoy me.

And lately (in the past year and a half) I've been finding myself wanting to roam in other areas too. I want to live somewhere new, I want to try something new, I just want OUT. And I've come to really appreciate being a single christian woman because I realize that when I think I'm randomly wandering God is really leading me to places that are better than where I was before.

So the wandering I've come to appreciate. But then, about a month and a half ago, I went to this women's retreat. One of my friends was speaking that weekend and I remember her talking about the Body of Christ. I don't remember her exact words and I'm nervous to paraphrase them because I don't know if I will do it correctly. But she was talking about the Body of Christ and how sometimes, when women aren't getting what they want from it, or participating in it the way they want to, or being used the way they want to, they choose to disconnect. (That passage where someone says that they're not a part of the body if they can't be the eye was used. You know the one I'm talking about). And I've kind of been dwelling on that lately. Because as much as I don't want to lose what me and God already have, he's also put me in this group. And I tend to look for the easiest way OUT of the group. There have been cases where I really do feel like it was the best thing for me to leave. And then there have been other cases. Like the one I'm in now. I'm in a new Bible study that I believe I need to stay in for the time being for the simple reason that I need to learn to stay in relationships even when they're not perfect. I need to learn to be my brother's keeper. I need to confront in love and react well when I'm confronted. I need to learn to stop running my mouth all the time (otherwise known as gossiping. I'm a gossiping queen).

And what's really nice about all this (I'm sure there's many things, but the one I'm thinking about right now) is that God's giving me a way to work on these things while still fulfilling my desire to roam. I'm moving soon. I'm going to work on these relationships till then. It's not a permanent setup. He's not making me stay in one place for a long time until I "get it right." He's not changing the plan and requiring me to get a husband to work through these issues with (I believe that marriages are designed to make people holy. I have no doubt that the best way for me to work on the issues mentioned in the paragraph above would be to work on them on a daily basis in a marriage context. I would be beyond thrilled to do that someday. But I do not believe that day is in the immediate future for me. Just to be clear). He's letting me keep my personality and changing the things about me that are actually wrong. Which is quite nice of Him. And it reminds me that God actually likes who I am. Not the sin (which is a BIG part of who I am). But you know, the other stuff.

so i'm sitting here waiting for my homemade pizza crust to get done rising. that's right folks, i make it myself:) it's not that making pizza crust is hard (took about 3 minutes of prep and 20 min of waiting) it's just that i tend to be lazy and buy frozen pizza because it's cheap and just so darn convenient. but i have this friend from church who is encouraging me to set healthy goals and go for them. and one of my goals is to stop buying so much ready made crap and start cooking more. so today i'm giving it a shot. and ummm, that's really all i have to say. i'm just super proud of my susie-homemaker-like skills:)

the sin "in here"

so today i've been thinking about accountability.

i had a really great experience yesterday. i went to visit a friend at her house, to catch up and have dinner. through the course of conversation, she asked me how i was doing on some goals that i have set for myself and have let many friends know about. ummm i haven't been doing so great actually. i've fallen back into that fetal position rut of working, complaining, and resting on my laurels. i left feeling motivated to make specific changes. there's some accounability that i can use. i knew i was doing wrong, but the fact that i actually had to admit it, out loud to another person, did something to me that admitting it to myself did not.

so i come home and talk to a friend. this friend is dealing with a boy situation right now and well, she's doing wrong. i feel like i should be the person holding her accountable because she is a very dear friend to me and i really don't think anyone seems to be too concerned with her godliness in this situation. so, in my usual blunt way, i kindof call her out on this. i haven't heard from her since last night. this could simply be because she has a busy life, or it COULD be because i wasn't very gentle and may have been hurtful in this situaion. and i'm left thinking, "how could holding someone accountable have worked so well in the first situation and so badly in the second?"

so i thought about the whole accountability thing at work today. it was a really great day because i had a job where i was just kindof by myself all day. i like it that way. i would rather think than talk at work. but anyways, my mind went to a skit that i'd seen acted out (by Nicole Johnson-i used to LOVE her skits. i might still, but i haven't seen one in awhile). it was that story where people are stoning an adulterous woman and Jesus comes and tells the people that he who is without sin should throw the first stone. i'm not a huge fan of dramatizing the Bible because i think things tend to get added, deleted, or misconstrued. but seeing this story acted out is helpful because there's something in this story that you might miss if you just read. the whole act of the rock throwing is so powerful because the people were taking big heavy rocks and throwing them away from themselves and onto the woman. it wasn't just the rocks, it was alot of blame too. she was in the wrong, she was the sinner, and they were taking care of the evil that was "out there." and then Jesus came onto the scene, not only to have compassion on the woman, but also to remind the people that the sin was "in here." it was in each individual and casting blame on others wouldn't take care of the problem.

i've been really thinking about that lately. the fact that the evil isn't just in others, it's in ME. it sounds so very simple, but i'm always tempted to think otherwise. and the thing is that i really want others to hold me accountable. to call me out when i'm doing wrong and follow up when i tell them what i'm working on. i want to progress and go further and do more. i appreciate the whole iron sharpening iron thing. but i'm VERY nervous about being the iron that sharpens the iron. i think that i will take the whole holding people accountable thing and turn it into a rock throwing of sorts. a self righteous pointing out the sin "out there" and using it to make me feel better about the sin "in here." but i can't use my fear as an excuse. i'm here to love other people and loving people means holding them accountable. so i've got to figure out a way to do it that doesn't alienate and cast blame. and i'm not exactly sure what that looks like.

be thou my vision (is on repeat)

two things on my mind today.
the first is (as usual) myself. will get to that in about three minutes.

the second is something that happened at church on Sunday. six days later and i'm still thinking about it. that doesn't happen too often. so i went to this Sunday school class on Ezekiel. not gonna lie, i don't remember much about the class. what i DO remember, however, is something a woman said in the class. i believe she was asking a question, but i don't remember exactly what. but she said something to the effect of, we Christians have these evil people all around us and sometimes we make mistakes and accidetally act like these people for a minute but then we ask God for forgiveness and he DOES forgive us. o my goodness this bothered me. in the past i have had the tendency to speak up whenever i hear something that disagrees with me. i still kindof have that tendency, but i think i was intimidated because the class was mostly adults and well, i'm a kid (and also because i hadn't fully thought through the bad taste in my mouth yet at that point).

here's my issue. maybe it's only my issue, but i kind of doubt it. i don't accidentally sin. the evil people aren't "out there." my sin isn't only occasional, and it isn't the fault of the people around me. there's evil in this heart. evil thoughts, bad intentions, terrible actions. i'm a worse person than i'd ever feel comfortable admitting, even to myself, even in my biggest moments of clarity. i've been thinking about that alot this week. what exactly Jesus was doing when He gave up His life for me. He was dying for a girl who didn't deserve it. who would find out the life that she had been offered by this death, accept the forgiveness that it offered, and then at times (many times) choose to ignore this and do as she pleased. i don't like this about myself. i hate the part of me that does it. but it would be an even bigger wrong to pretend that it doesn't happen. to pretend that i only occasionally,accidenally, make MISTAKES. might as well ignore the cross altogether. Jesus came for sinners, of whom i am the worst.

ugh, unfortunately i am all out of energy for writing (even more) about myself. guess this will remain a one point post. another day.

You can't have it all....

I hate when people say this. I hate hearing it, even if it's not directed at me. I'm not sure that I can verbalize why. I think it's a combination of 1) my upbringing in a legalistic school (once I found out that some things that people told me I couldn't do, I actually COULD do, I may have gone a little overboard) and 2) my annoyance at people who appear to me to use this mantra as an excuse to spend their lives in front of their televisions. in my mind, if you're telling me that I can't have it all, do it all, etc. then you've just chosen to settle in ways that I haven't yet.

and yet....

i'm finding that it's true at times. i don't want to admit this. i hate typing this. i'm only doing it because i can't analyze my thoughts until i get them OUT. once it's on paper, typed into my blog, spoken to a friend, etc. i can think about it. i can realize that my thoughts are completely stupid or that i do have a point or something in between. no matter how terrible my thoughts are, i have to put them in a place where i can look at them. (i've been thinking about this lately. i'm reading a rob bell book for a church group thing that i'm doing. i'm reading critically because quite frankly i don't like rob bell's written words. he makes alot of implications but doesn't actually SAY what he means. and i don't have any love or appreciation for that. but i do the same thing. so i'm working on it.)

so anyways, off the rabbit trail and back to the point. i can't have it all. i have to prioratize. i can't go to camp this summer. there's a person in my life that i can never talk to again. ever. i hate that. i don't even know if i WANT to talk to this person again, but i would like to believe that i COULD. i want to THINK that i could go back to camp this summer and it would work out. i also want to think alot of other things, like that i could learn italian, read The Brothers Karamazov, do alot of volunteer work, catch up with all my friends, and alot of other things all before I go back to school. I want to do ALOT of other things and i don't know for sure if i can have it all or not but for right now i have to prioritize. school is one of the biggest things that i want right now and so there's other things that i'm choosing not to do. maybe i should stop telling myself that i can't do them and start telling myself that i'm choosing not to do them. i don't know. i just really don't like throwing all my eggs in one basket. is that the saying?? eggs in one nest?? o i don't know. but anyways. i don't like putting all my efforts in to one thing. it's scary. because if i mess up that one thing then i'm left with....nothing. but if i don't put all my efforts into one thing then i'm left with....alot of things that i don't even really want. or at least not very much.