the sin "in here"

so today i've been thinking about accountability.

i had a really great experience yesterday. i went to visit a friend at her house, to catch up and have dinner. through the course of conversation, she asked me how i was doing on some goals that i have set for myself and have let many friends know about. ummm i haven't been doing so great actually. i've fallen back into that fetal position rut of working, complaining, and resting on my laurels. i left feeling motivated to make specific changes. there's some accounability that i can use. i knew i was doing wrong, but the fact that i actually had to admit it, out loud to another person, did something to me that admitting it to myself did not.

so i come home and talk to a friend. this friend is dealing with a boy situation right now and well, she's doing wrong. i feel like i should be the person holding her accountable because she is a very dear friend to me and i really don't think anyone seems to be too concerned with her godliness in this situation. so, in my usual blunt way, i kindof call her out on this. i haven't heard from her since last night. this could simply be because she has a busy life, or it COULD be because i wasn't very gentle and may have been hurtful in this situaion. and i'm left thinking, "how could holding someone accountable have worked so well in the first situation and so badly in the second?"

so i thought about the whole accountability thing at work today. it was a really great day because i had a job where i was just kindof by myself all day. i like it that way. i would rather think than talk at work. but anyways, my mind went to a skit that i'd seen acted out (by Nicole Johnson-i used to LOVE her skits. i might still, but i haven't seen one in awhile). it was that story where people are stoning an adulterous woman and Jesus comes and tells the people that he who is without sin should throw the first stone. i'm not a huge fan of dramatizing the Bible because i think things tend to get added, deleted, or misconstrued. but seeing this story acted out is helpful because there's something in this story that you might miss if you just read. the whole act of the rock throwing is so powerful because the people were taking big heavy rocks and throwing them away from themselves and onto the woman. it wasn't just the rocks, it was alot of blame too. she was in the wrong, she was the sinner, and they were taking care of the evil that was "out there." and then Jesus came onto the scene, not only to have compassion on the woman, but also to remind the people that the sin was "in here." it was in each individual and casting blame on others wouldn't take care of the problem.

i've been really thinking about that lately. the fact that the evil isn't just in others, it's in ME. it sounds so very simple, but i'm always tempted to think otherwise. and the thing is that i really want others to hold me accountable. to call me out when i'm doing wrong and follow up when i tell them what i'm working on. i want to progress and go further and do more. i appreciate the whole iron sharpening iron thing. but i'm VERY nervous about being the iron that sharpens the iron. i think that i will take the whole holding people accountable thing and turn it into a rock throwing of sorts. a self righteous pointing out the sin "out there" and using it to make me feel better about the sin "in here." but i can't use my fear as an excuse. i'm here to love other people and loving people means holding them accountable. so i've got to figure out a way to do it that doesn't alienate and cast blame. and i'm not exactly sure what that looks like.

be thou my vision (is on repeat)

two things on my mind today.
the first is (as usual) myself. will get to that in about three minutes.

the second is something that happened at church on Sunday. six days later and i'm still thinking about it. that doesn't happen too often. so i went to this Sunday school class on Ezekiel. not gonna lie, i don't remember much about the class. what i DO remember, however, is something a woman said in the class. i believe she was asking a question, but i don't remember exactly what. but she said something to the effect of, we Christians have these evil people all around us and sometimes we make mistakes and accidetally act like these people for a minute but then we ask God for forgiveness and he DOES forgive us. o my goodness this bothered me. in the past i have had the tendency to speak up whenever i hear something that disagrees with me. i still kindof have that tendency, but i think i was intimidated because the class was mostly adults and well, i'm a kid (and also because i hadn't fully thought through the bad taste in my mouth yet at that point).

here's my issue. maybe it's only my issue, but i kind of doubt it. i don't accidentally sin. the evil people aren't "out there." my sin isn't only occasional, and it isn't the fault of the people around me. there's evil in this heart. evil thoughts, bad intentions, terrible actions. i'm a worse person than i'd ever feel comfortable admitting, even to myself, even in my biggest moments of clarity. i've been thinking about that alot this week. what exactly Jesus was doing when He gave up His life for me. He was dying for a girl who didn't deserve it. who would find out the life that she had been offered by this death, accept the forgiveness that it offered, and then at times (many times) choose to ignore this and do as she pleased. i don't like this about myself. i hate the part of me that does it. but it would be an even bigger wrong to pretend that it doesn't happen. to pretend that i only occasionally,accidenally, make MISTAKES. might as well ignore the cross altogether. Jesus came for sinners, of whom i am the worst.

ugh, unfortunately i am all out of energy for writing (even more) about myself. guess this will remain a one point post. another day.