so tonight was pretty much just like last night. i found myself at work, stuffing my face with donuts and thinking about...fasting. i've fasted occasionally in high school, but pretty much stopped completely after 10th grade. i think it's a really good thing to do; get rid of all the sugar/salt/crap that you inevitably take in through your food and spend a day or two focusing. it's good for the soul. but i don't do it and i was thinking about why not. and that led me to thinking about two big issues that i think are getting in the way-my issues with food and my issues with anxiety.
i've been dieting since i was 7. seriously. i was the only kid on the playground who knew how many calories were in her pb&j AND how many miles of jogging it would take to burn them off (what i didn't know was what a mile was, and i never actually logged any of them). i've binged. i've purged. i've exercised. i've dieted. i've been a member of weight watchers. i'm always starting and stopping diets. balance is something that i have yet to master. i think part of my issue with fasting is that i'm so used to starting things when i feel like it and stopping when i get too hungry. my body's used to it too. it's like, "ok, i'll put up with this BS for a little while, but eventually you're going to get hungry and give in." i've spent so much time struggling/obsessing over food that i really don't know how to master it, even for a short time, even for a purpose that i feel is really important. i don't appear to be a girl with issues. it's kindof funny at times; i'm the girl who really wants to skip dinner so that she can eat three pieces of the cake that she loves so dearly. but for this purpose, it's a bit more serious than that.
the other issue is my anxiety. i've never been a big fan of, well, feeling things. i know that sounds terrible. heartless even. i get really excited when i get my period because that means i can blame the entire previous weeks' emotions on hormones. it's not me, it's the chemicals in my body. i just usually try to avoid strong emotions when i can. i like/trust logic. it makes sense. slowly i'm learning that, although my feelings CAN be dramatic, deceitful little bitches, they can also provide me with some really great insights. i cry/feel sad about a boy more often than i laugh/feel happy about him. it's time to walk away (thank you harsh life lesson of 2009). i feel really good/accomplished at the end of a college semester-i like what i'm doing and should continue. it's worth the stress i feel during the semester.
i am starting to be able to make sense out of my feelings. but the one feeling that i canNOT make sense of is my anxiety. like where it comes from or what it might be telling me. it takes my ability to plan ahead to a weird/unhealthy extreme. like i'm already thinking about how hard the workload is going to be for law school and panicing. thinking about financing it makes me breathing go a little weird. this anxiety materializes in smaller ways too. i wake up in the morning and worry that i haven't slept enough. i better caffeinate up just in CASE it turns out that i feel tired later. i had a hard day at work and don't feel like doing anything. i better skip the gym and go home (to sit on the couch) just in CASE i get there and still don't feel like working out (even though that's never happened before). i don't like this feeling because it makes me think i need things when i don't. it makes me give up/give in too easily. i think that the reason that i haven't been a successful faster in the past few years is that i wake up thinking/worrying about how hungry i'll be later and given my history with food, that i won't be able to deal. after a few hours of this i'm like o what the heck, at least i made it til 10am.
Jesus' awesome advice was to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Sufficient for today are today's troubles. He also said not to be anxious about anything but with prayer and petition to present my requests to God. My anxiety isn't going away (actually, i think the fasting will probably help with it. there's nothing like reducing your sugar intake for a little while to mellow you out) but i can bring the things that i'm anxious about to God. i can ask him to keep my mind on THIS day, THIS hour. i need to stay in the present. i need to fast, darn it.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
So Yesterday...
was one of the more exciting days that I've had in awhile. Like it was a really big deal for me. Every day, I come home from work and ask my mother, almost in a panic, "Did we get any mail today?! WHERE is it??!!!" What I'm looking for is law school stuff, acceptance letters, scholarship stuff, etc.
Here's the thing about my life plan as of now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know any lawyers, I'm not a political science or history major, my college doesn't even HAVE a legal department (a few classes, yes, anything official, NO). I started this process seemingly on a whim. Everytime I breakup or want to break up with a boy, I feel this huge need to assert my independence. I cut my hair. I lose weight. I do anything that says (to no one in particular) I don't need you. I'm fabulous as is. So I'd been thinking some random "being a lawyer would be cool" thoughts, and THIS display of being my own person was taking the LSATs. It was more expensive than the hair cut and the 100 calorie packs and that almost discouraged me but I thought what the heck. I'll see what happens. Then my brother-in-law told me about the International Justice Mission (maybe I'll blog about it some other time, but suffice it to say that if you don't know about it you should do some research, like right now!!!). The more I looked into it, the more excited it got me. I don't really feel like writing about WHY I want to become a lawyer right now either (another time friends!) but what I will say is that I really do want this, it seems like the right thing for me so far, and I actually feel a sense of obligation. That whole "to whom much has been given, much will be expected" thing. It is speaking RIGHT. TO. ME. I'm the girl who has been given much. I'm the girl of whom much will be expected. That's where part of my perfectionist nature comes in too.
So back to the mail last night. One of the schools I'm considering has quite a few things going for it right now in my mind. They have this program where students work on cases of prisoners where there is reasonable doubt that the prisoner is actually guilty. They have a clinic for disability law. They have a Christian legal society (I think all law schools have this actually. But I'm still counting it as a perk.) It's the cheapest one. AND last night they sent me a letter offering me a hefty amount of scholarship money. I'm excited about the money aspect. Very excited. I'm even more excited about something else. Maybe this is a stretch, but in my mind, that letter said "We think you got what it takes; so much so in fact that we're going to invest in you financially." And I just needed to hear that from someone who is knowledgeable and well objective. My friends/family/professors think I can do it, but in my mind, none of those people KNOW w hat it takes to succeed at what I'm trying to do. It was just a huge relief for me. Once again, no conclusion to anything, but I have to go because me and my mom are planning a trip and the planning needs to happen nowwwwww:)
Here's the thing about my life plan as of now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know any lawyers, I'm not a political science or history major, my college doesn't even HAVE a legal department (a few classes, yes, anything official, NO). I started this process seemingly on a whim. Everytime I breakup or want to break up with a boy, I feel this huge need to assert my independence. I cut my hair. I lose weight. I do anything that says (to no one in particular) I don't need you. I'm fabulous as is. So I'd been thinking some random "being a lawyer would be cool" thoughts, and THIS display of being my own person was taking the LSATs. It was more expensive than the hair cut and the 100 calorie packs and that almost discouraged me but I thought what the heck. I'll see what happens. Then my brother-in-law told me about the International Justice Mission (maybe I'll blog about it some other time, but suffice it to say that if you don't know about it you should do some research, like right now!!!). The more I looked into it, the more excited it got me. I don't really feel like writing about WHY I want to become a lawyer right now either (another time friends!) but what I will say is that I really do want this, it seems like the right thing for me so far, and I actually feel a sense of obligation. That whole "to whom much has been given, much will be expected" thing. It is speaking RIGHT. TO. ME. I'm the girl who has been given much. I'm the girl of whom much will be expected. That's where part of my perfectionist nature comes in too.
So back to the mail last night. One of the schools I'm considering has quite a few things going for it right now in my mind. They have this program where students work on cases of prisoners where there is reasonable doubt that the prisoner is actually guilty. They have a clinic for disability law. They have a Christian legal society (I think all law schools have this actually. But I'm still counting it as a perk.) It's the cheapest one. AND last night they sent me a letter offering me a hefty amount of scholarship money. I'm excited about the money aspect. Very excited. I'm even more excited about something else. Maybe this is a stretch, but in my mind, that letter said "We think you got what it takes; so much so in fact that we're going to invest in you financially." And I just needed to hear that from someone who is knowledgeable and well objective. My friends/family/professors think I can do it, but in my mind, none of those people KNOW w hat it takes to succeed at what I'm trying to do. It was just a huge relief for me. Once again, no conclusion to anything, but I have to go because me and my mom are planning a trip and the planning needs to happen nowwwwww:)
Monday, February 15, 2010
I Need More Life...
So this whole waking up early for Bible time is going alright. Basically it goes like this: my alarm goes off at 4:30, I rub my eyes and temporarily consider going back to bed. This goes on for anywhere from 1-10 minutes. Then I pull out my Bible and prop up my pillows so I'm more so sitting than laying and read a chapter or two. I try to remember one to two main points and I'm lucky if that happens because honestly, this is not prime time for me. If this sounds really informal, that's because it is. Part of me feels like this is not good enough and I should, well, PERFECT it. Because that's my goal for everything. But I'm trying to be happy about the fact that I'm spending the time and making the effort, as small as it is.
Friday, I was reading in Matthew (12 I believe). Jesus' disciples were doing things that the Pharisees didn't like, like picking food to eat on the Sabbath. And Jesus was like, "Hey, that's Old Testament Law stuff. I have come to make things BETTER." Big paraphrase there. But the main point that I thought at the end of my reading was, "Jesus is making things better."
Fast forward a couple of hours at work. There's this guy there that kind of pisses me off. I'm not going to give reasons here, because that will just be me trying to justify my feelings. I want to believe that I have every right to feel however I want because he's just so annoying. I kind of snapped at him at work. The short version of the story is, I believed that he wronged me and was blowing it off. And I was NOT going to be without an apology. So I got my little head bobbing and my little finger wagging and told him how it was. And surprisingly, he was really nice about it. I was expecting a verbal throwdown and I got...the apology that I wanted. I went back to work and started thinking, "I really like this guy." And the confrontation seemed to make our relationship better. We were talking like friends the whole day. Instead of getting annoyed/bored at his stories, I found the humor in them. I was almost tempted to think that I had done the right thing by being a royal beotch to this man. I mean, I'm an introverted girl. I bottle my emotions and that's bad. I let them out in a healthy way here right? The relationship wasn't ruined, in fact it seemed to have gotten better as a result of the confrontation.
But here's the thing. If he had reacted in a negative way, I would have told him off (even more so than I did the first time). I decided in my head that I was going to get what I wanted (an apology) no matter what happened. And as I thought about this more throughout the day, I saw the correlation between what I had read and my life. Jesus came to take what was there and make it better. What comes naturally to me is to look out for MYSELF. It doesn't come naturally for me to think about other people over myself. There is no way that I would have gotten a bad reaction from this guy and thought, "What does George need? What would be best for him? Is he having a bad day? Should I ask about that?" My natural self is selfish and prideful and ugly. And Jesus came to bring something better, not just to bring grace where there used to be laws, but He's bringing something better for ME too. He's bringing life. He's bringing LIFE.
That's kind of the concept that I'm obsessing over right now. My comments about life lately have been things like, "I don't have a life" and "My life blows right now." I don't mean them literally of course. It's not that I don't have a life, but there's something I'm craving more of. I don't want to go to more parties, do more shopping, watch more movies. I'm not craving more activities, more friends, or more things. And to be honest, I'm not sure how to put into words exactly what I want. Some type of fulfillment I think. The small changes I've made lately (more Bible, more prayer, more thoughts of God) have given me more life and I'm wanting even more of that. And so I'm contemplating the whole concept of Jesus bringing life and actually BEING the life. I'm allowing myself to consider the possibility that the purpose of what He's telling people to do in the New Testament is to give those people life. That doing what He's telling ME to do in the New Testament will give ME life also. I don't have conclusions on this matter. But I'm thinking...
Friday, I was reading in Matthew (12 I believe). Jesus' disciples were doing things that the Pharisees didn't like, like picking food to eat on the Sabbath. And Jesus was like, "Hey, that's Old Testament Law stuff. I have come to make things BETTER." Big paraphrase there. But the main point that I thought at the end of my reading was, "Jesus is making things better."
Fast forward a couple of hours at work. There's this guy there that kind of pisses me off. I'm not going to give reasons here, because that will just be me trying to justify my feelings. I want to believe that I have every right to feel however I want because he's just so annoying. I kind of snapped at him at work. The short version of the story is, I believed that he wronged me and was blowing it off. And I was NOT going to be without an apology. So I got my little head bobbing and my little finger wagging and told him how it was. And surprisingly, he was really nice about it. I was expecting a verbal throwdown and I got...the apology that I wanted. I went back to work and started thinking, "I really like this guy." And the confrontation seemed to make our relationship better. We were talking like friends the whole day. Instead of getting annoyed/bored at his stories, I found the humor in them. I was almost tempted to think that I had done the right thing by being a royal beotch to this man. I mean, I'm an introverted girl. I bottle my emotions and that's bad. I let them out in a healthy way here right? The relationship wasn't ruined, in fact it seemed to have gotten better as a result of the confrontation.
But here's the thing. If he had reacted in a negative way, I would have told him off (even more so than I did the first time). I decided in my head that I was going to get what I wanted (an apology) no matter what happened. And as I thought about this more throughout the day, I saw the correlation between what I had read and my life. Jesus came to take what was there and make it better. What comes naturally to me is to look out for MYSELF. It doesn't come naturally for me to think about other people over myself. There is no way that I would have gotten a bad reaction from this guy and thought, "What does George need? What would be best for him? Is he having a bad day? Should I ask about that?" My natural self is selfish and prideful and ugly. And Jesus came to bring something better, not just to bring grace where there used to be laws, but He's bringing something better for ME too. He's bringing life. He's bringing LIFE.
That's kind of the concept that I'm obsessing over right now. My comments about life lately have been things like, "I don't have a life" and "My life blows right now." I don't mean them literally of course. It's not that I don't have a life, but there's something I'm craving more of. I don't want to go to more parties, do more shopping, watch more movies. I'm not craving more activities, more friends, or more things. And to be honest, I'm not sure how to put into words exactly what I want. Some type of fulfillment I think. The small changes I've made lately (more Bible, more prayer, more thoughts of God) have given me more life and I'm wanting even more of that. And so I'm contemplating the whole concept of Jesus bringing life and actually BEING the life. I'm allowing myself to consider the possibility that the purpose of what He's telling people to do in the New Testament is to give those people life. That doing what He's telling ME to do in the New Testament will give ME life also. I don't have conclusions on this matter. But I'm thinking...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Somebody Spell it Out For Me!!!
Yay for a snow day! Yesterday I worked 15 hours and not much else. Today I worked four hours, followed by countless shows, a bath, and a 3.5 hour nap. O how the tides have turned:) I think something about all that sleep today helped me to process the thoughts I've been thinking about Jesus lately. I will attempts to write them out here....
While I don't always put this into practice, I do know that it is a BAD idea to compare myself to other people. I will hardly ever be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, thinnests, anythingelseiest person in the room (unless perhaps I am in the room alone). Add to this the fact that I am a big perfectionist, and comparing myself to others can lead to my priorities getting really screwed up really quickly.
Here's a little bit of background info on me: I went to an extremely legalistic Christian school through 10th grade. I was told in the fifth grade that if I had any unconfessed sin (and who doesn't?), when I get to heaven Jesus is going to play it on a movie projector in front of EVERYONE. So I had better confess it now. Try digesting that piece of information when you're 12. I spent an entire summer sick to my stomach and doing ridiculous things like calling my 3rd grade teacher to apologize for stealing starbursts from her prize box. This is just one extreme example. It wasn't all that harsh. I think the message that they were trying to convey was that there is some responsibility on your part. You shouldn't be a Christian who doesn't care. I don't even know if you can be. But the message in my mind was clear: You HAVE to be good. Jesus doesn't accept flaws, failures, or bad days. I was on a quest for perfection. And to give you the short version of the story, it didn't work out.
Now, I think me and God have this deal about what we're going to bring to the table: I'm going to bring the abilities that I have, my energy, alot of hard work. I'm going to find a passion for something that actually matters and pursue it. And He's going to bring EVERYTHING ELSE. He's going to take my efforts that aren't good enough and make good things out of them. He's going to provide opportunities that I didn't even think of. He's just going to make everything good. And it's going to be ENOUGH. (I think that's called grace). I think He offers these deals to everyone. But ours is personal.
So back to me trying to be like other people. I think it's a bad idea. Because people don't live perfectly. I do believe that Jesus was the only perfect example of living. So I've been looking at the Gospels lately. I'm in Matthew right now. (If I make it to John in the near future I'll be very impressed with my consistency). And the thing is, I'm slightly frusterated with the progression. Jesus started his ministry when he was 33. I am 22. How do I find the similarities here?? Jesus spent 33 years preparing for a 3 year ministry. When Jesus was 22, He was a carpenter and PREPARING for those 3 years. I think. What did that look like?? What did He think about at work? How did He feel? Was he angry at the same things that I'm angry at? Did the same things break His heart? Was he outspoken, or was it not the right time to speak out? How much wine did he think was an acceptable amount to drink? (Ok, the last question isn't super important. But I'd like to know.)
I have some clues from the Bible. There's that verse that says, "And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man." That's kind of encouraging. He wasn't at his wisdom peak when he was 12. I'm assuming He wasn't when he was 22 either. There was a progression that He was pursuing. Maybe I don't have to be at that peak right now. I know He spent ALOT of time in the temple, discussing/debating/arguing with teachers about the Bible. I think I'm safe to assume that not only did He know his Old Testament, He wasn't afraid of a little controversy (I like that!) I know that at 33, He had habits that he had to have been working on for awhile. You don't just magically have the ability to fast for 40 days and spend hours in prayer. You don't just magically know the Bible that well.
So, in summary, I know that Jesus spent his time working as a carpenter (low to moderate levels of excitement, I'm guessing) and developing some really slammin habits. Then, when the time was right, He picked up and left on a crazy adventure. So, I'm thinking, "Are there similarities here? Am I developing really slammin habits also? Am I finding a purpose? Am I getting ready for adventure? Am I getting ready to spend my time helping people and getting angry at/taking action against the right things?"
Are me and Jesus' lives similar??
While I don't always put this into practice, I do know that it is a BAD idea to compare myself to other people. I will hardly ever be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, thinnests, anythingelseiest person in the room (unless perhaps I am in the room alone). Add to this the fact that I am a big perfectionist, and comparing myself to others can lead to my priorities getting really screwed up really quickly.
Here's a little bit of background info on me: I went to an extremely legalistic Christian school through 10th grade. I was told in the fifth grade that if I had any unconfessed sin (and who doesn't?), when I get to heaven Jesus is going to play it on a movie projector in front of EVERYONE. So I had better confess it now. Try digesting that piece of information when you're 12. I spent an entire summer sick to my stomach and doing ridiculous things like calling my 3rd grade teacher to apologize for stealing starbursts from her prize box. This is just one extreme example. It wasn't all that harsh. I think the message that they were trying to convey was that there is some responsibility on your part. You shouldn't be a Christian who doesn't care. I don't even know if you can be. But the message in my mind was clear: You HAVE to be good. Jesus doesn't accept flaws, failures, or bad days. I was on a quest for perfection. And to give you the short version of the story, it didn't work out.
Now, I think me and God have this deal about what we're going to bring to the table: I'm going to bring the abilities that I have, my energy, alot of hard work. I'm going to find a passion for something that actually matters and pursue it. And He's going to bring EVERYTHING ELSE. He's going to take my efforts that aren't good enough and make good things out of them. He's going to provide opportunities that I didn't even think of. He's just going to make everything good. And it's going to be ENOUGH. (I think that's called grace). I think He offers these deals to everyone. But ours is personal.
So back to me trying to be like other people. I think it's a bad idea. Because people don't live perfectly. I do believe that Jesus was the only perfect example of living. So I've been looking at the Gospels lately. I'm in Matthew right now. (If I make it to John in the near future I'll be very impressed with my consistency). And the thing is, I'm slightly frusterated with the progression. Jesus started his ministry when he was 33. I am 22. How do I find the similarities here?? Jesus spent 33 years preparing for a 3 year ministry. When Jesus was 22, He was a carpenter and PREPARING for those 3 years. I think. What did that look like?? What did He think about at work? How did He feel? Was he angry at the same things that I'm angry at? Did the same things break His heart? Was he outspoken, or was it not the right time to speak out? How much wine did he think was an acceptable amount to drink? (Ok, the last question isn't super important. But I'd like to know.)
I have some clues from the Bible. There's that verse that says, "And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man." That's kind of encouraging. He wasn't at his wisdom peak when he was 12. I'm assuming He wasn't when he was 22 either. There was a progression that He was pursuing. Maybe I don't have to be at that peak right now. I know He spent ALOT of time in the temple, discussing/debating/arguing with teachers about the Bible. I think I'm safe to assume that not only did He know his Old Testament, He wasn't afraid of a little controversy (I like that!) I know that at 33, He had habits that he had to have been working on for awhile. You don't just magically have the ability to fast for 40 days and spend hours in prayer. You don't just magically know the Bible that well.
So, in summary, I know that Jesus spent his time working as a carpenter (low to moderate levels of excitement, I'm guessing) and developing some really slammin habits. Then, when the time was right, He picked up and left on a crazy adventure. So, I'm thinking, "Are there similarities here? Am I developing really slammin habits also? Am I finding a purpose? Am I getting ready for adventure? Am I getting ready to spend my time helping people and getting angry at/taking action against the right things?"
Are me and Jesus' lives similar??
Monday, February 8, 2010
Welcome to my life
I'm at one of those "in between" stages of my life.
I just graduated from college in December with a degree in special education. Some people think I wasted my degree because mostly what I got in my three and a half years of higher learning is a passion to go to law school. (I don't choose to hang out with those people). So here I am, with 8 months to kill before the next important chapter in my life begins. How do I choose to spend them? Working of course. Not only because I am responsible to the point of being boring, but also because law school ain't cheap and I'm not ALLOWED to work at all during my first year. I'm not a huge fan of debt, so I'm trying to take advantage of these months and work as much as possible. Like 60+ hours. In two boring, physically demanding jobs.
So I've been doing this for a few weeks, and I currently and finding myself to be cranky, a bit lonely, and exhausted. The thing is, I've been waiting my whole life to take a break from school. I'm SUCH a perfectionist and I get so stressed out that school is really consuming for me. I don't take the time to try fun things that seem interesting to me (like yoga, karate, book clubs, the list could go on). I don't take much time to read for fun and as a result feel like I'm not really a well rounded chicka. But the worst part, by far, is that I don't take the time to be one of those "good" Christians. I know that the response to that is "There are no "good" Christians. In fact the "bad" Christians are the only ones who can be saved." Or something like that. But I'm not disciplined. I can try anything for o, a day. But I don't read my Bible, pray, fast, meditate, any of that stuff, REGULARLY. And I was so excited for a time where I wouldn't be stressed out and could just concentrate on working, working out, and getting my life right.
And THEN work started. At 6am. In the morning. Which means that I wake up at 5am. Just to breeze in there right on time. And then when that's over, I go to work AGAIN. And the thing is, these jobs are physically demanding, but they are mindless. I have time to think literally all day. And I don't know why, but most of the time I find myself thinking about/focusing on my fears. I'm afraid of MANY things. There's this boy who kindof made my life miserable this summer. I'm afraid of seeing him again. I'm afraid that I won't have enough money to move to the South (my great love!) and go to law school. I'm afraid that people only like me because of what I can do for them. I'm afraid my car is going to die soon. Heck, I'm afraid of scary movies. The list could go on and on and....on. and it DOES. For hours. And by the time I get home, I'm already so defeated. There's no way I could do anything productive. I go to the gym for stress relief. I complain to my mom. I eat. I waste time online and watching tv. Basically I'm in a perpetual fetal position, too timid to tackle life. And in the last week, I've become really conscious of what I'm doing and wondering how I can possibly change.
It was a depressing few days. I wasn't sure who to talk to about this problem. I feel like most of my Christian friends would say, "Katie, you're too busy. You should obviously quit one of your jobs and then you'd have time for more important things. Isn't God more important than money to you?" And that's frusterating to me because He is, and this is clearly a time of imbalance in my life, but I can't get to school unless I work my butt off right now. I'm not exactly working to support a mall habit here. So I was thinking over the advice that I was SURE my friends would have given me had I chosen to ask them. (I didn't).
Despite the weather/my depressed mood about life, I showed up for Church on Sunday morning. I just recently started going to a pretty charismatic place. I mean, they wave their hands and dance around and do a bunch of other stuff that this baptist girl would probably only feel comfortable doing after a few rum and cokes. I appreciate that these people get emotionally involved in their relationships with God. There seems to be an enthusiasm that I feel like I've been missing, but I'm also cautious about it because I don't like to do things based solely on my emotions. They've deceived me too many times. Anyways, in between the songs, we were talking about how God can move the mountains and whoever was up there on the stage asked us what mountains we wanted God to move in our lives. And my answer was, "God, I want more time in my day!! I can't do it all!!" And, I swear to you, God answered me right then and there.
You know that show "The Big Bang Theory?" (funny show btw. I highly recommend it.) There's this episode where Sheldon is trying to figure out a science problem. He decides to follow Albert Einsten's example. Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity while working in a patent office. It was mundane work, and I don't remember the details, but it freed up his frontal cortex to do complex thinking. (This idea works for Sheldon in the episode too). Um, HELLO!!! Who is doing more mundane work than me?? And what is more complex than the Bible? If there was a way that I could read the Word of God before my long pointless day, I could meditate on it ALL day. I know this is really obvious, especially thinking about it now, but I really didn't consider the possibility of waking up early(er) to read my Bible before work. It doesn't seem possible that I could wake up before 5am. But I can. So, I'm working on thinking about things that are true while I'm working. They don't necessarily have to be Godly. They just have to be true. It can be what I read that morning. Or anything else. I have typed WAY more than my fair share for today, so I will expound upon this another time. But this is my blog for my "in between" phase.
I just graduated from college in December with a degree in special education. Some people think I wasted my degree because mostly what I got in my three and a half years of higher learning is a passion to go to law school. (I don't choose to hang out with those people). So here I am, with 8 months to kill before the next important chapter in my life begins. How do I choose to spend them? Working of course. Not only because I am responsible to the point of being boring, but also because law school ain't cheap and I'm not ALLOWED to work at all during my first year. I'm not a huge fan of debt, so I'm trying to take advantage of these months and work as much as possible. Like 60+ hours. In two boring, physically demanding jobs.
So I've been doing this for a few weeks, and I currently and finding myself to be cranky, a bit lonely, and exhausted. The thing is, I've been waiting my whole life to take a break from school. I'm SUCH a perfectionist and I get so stressed out that school is really consuming for me. I don't take the time to try fun things that seem interesting to me (like yoga, karate, book clubs, the list could go on). I don't take much time to read for fun and as a result feel like I'm not really a well rounded chicka. But the worst part, by far, is that I don't take the time to be one of those "good" Christians. I know that the response to that is "There are no "good" Christians. In fact the "bad" Christians are the only ones who can be saved." Or something like that. But I'm not disciplined. I can try anything for o, a day. But I don't read my Bible, pray, fast, meditate, any of that stuff, REGULARLY. And I was so excited for a time where I wouldn't be stressed out and could just concentrate on working, working out, and getting my life right.
And THEN work started. At 6am. In the morning. Which means that I wake up at 5am. Just to breeze in there right on time. And then when that's over, I go to work AGAIN. And the thing is, these jobs are physically demanding, but they are mindless. I have time to think literally all day. And I don't know why, but most of the time I find myself thinking about/focusing on my fears. I'm afraid of MANY things. There's this boy who kindof made my life miserable this summer. I'm afraid of seeing him again. I'm afraid that I won't have enough money to move to the South (my great love!) and go to law school. I'm afraid that people only like me because of what I can do for them. I'm afraid my car is going to die soon. Heck, I'm afraid of scary movies. The list could go on and on and....on. and it DOES. For hours. And by the time I get home, I'm already so defeated. There's no way I could do anything productive. I go to the gym for stress relief. I complain to my mom. I eat. I waste time online and watching tv. Basically I'm in a perpetual fetal position, too timid to tackle life. And in the last week, I've become really conscious of what I'm doing and wondering how I can possibly change.
It was a depressing few days. I wasn't sure who to talk to about this problem. I feel like most of my Christian friends would say, "Katie, you're too busy. You should obviously quit one of your jobs and then you'd have time for more important things. Isn't God more important than money to you?" And that's frusterating to me because He is, and this is clearly a time of imbalance in my life, but I can't get to school unless I work my butt off right now. I'm not exactly working to support a mall habit here. So I was thinking over the advice that I was SURE my friends would have given me had I chosen to ask them. (I didn't).
Despite the weather/my depressed mood about life, I showed up for Church on Sunday morning. I just recently started going to a pretty charismatic place. I mean, they wave their hands and dance around and do a bunch of other stuff that this baptist girl would probably only feel comfortable doing after a few rum and cokes. I appreciate that these people get emotionally involved in their relationships with God. There seems to be an enthusiasm that I feel like I've been missing, but I'm also cautious about it because I don't like to do things based solely on my emotions. They've deceived me too many times. Anyways, in between the songs, we were talking about how God can move the mountains and whoever was up there on the stage asked us what mountains we wanted God to move in our lives. And my answer was, "God, I want more time in my day!! I can't do it all!!" And, I swear to you, God answered me right then and there.
You know that show "The Big Bang Theory?" (funny show btw. I highly recommend it.) There's this episode where Sheldon is trying to figure out a science problem. He decides to follow Albert Einsten's example. Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity while working in a patent office. It was mundane work, and I don't remember the details, but it freed up his frontal cortex to do complex thinking. (This idea works for Sheldon in the episode too). Um, HELLO!!! Who is doing more mundane work than me?? And what is more complex than the Bible? If there was a way that I could read the Word of God before my long pointless day, I could meditate on it ALL day. I know this is really obvious, especially thinking about it now, but I really didn't consider the possibility of waking up early(er) to read my Bible before work. It doesn't seem possible that I could wake up before 5am. But I can. So, I'm working on thinking about things that are true while I'm working. They don't necessarily have to be Godly. They just have to be true. It can be what I read that morning. Or anything else. I have typed WAY more than my fair share for today, so I will expound upon this another time. But this is my blog for my "in between" phase.
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