two things on my mind today.
the first is (as usual) myself. will get to that in about three minutes.
the second is something that happened at church on Sunday. six days later and i'm still thinking about it. that doesn't happen too often. so i went to this Sunday school class on Ezekiel. not gonna lie, i don't remember much about the class. what i DO remember, however, is something a woman said in the class. i believe she was asking a question, but i don't remember exactly what. but she said something to the effect of, we Christians have these evil people all around us and sometimes we make mistakes and accidetally act like these people for a minute but then we ask God for forgiveness and he DOES forgive us. o my goodness this bothered me. in the past i have had the tendency to speak up whenever i hear something that disagrees with me. i still kindof have that tendency, but i think i was intimidated because the class was mostly adults and well, i'm a kid (and also because i hadn't fully thought through the bad taste in my mouth yet at that point).
here's my issue. maybe it's only my issue, but i kind of doubt it. i don't accidentally sin. the evil people aren't "out there." my sin isn't only occasional, and it isn't the fault of the people around me. there's evil in this heart. evil thoughts, bad intentions, terrible actions. i'm a worse person than i'd ever feel comfortable admitting, even to myself, even in my biggest moments of clarity. i've been thinking about that alot this week. what exactly Jesus was doing when He gave up His life for me. He was dying for a girl who didn't deserve it. who would find out the life that she had been offered by this death, accept the forgiveness that it offered, and then at times (many times) choose to ignore this and do as she pleased. i don't like this about myself. i hate the part of me that does it. but it would be an even bigger wrong to pretend that it doesn't happen. to pretend that i only occasionally,accidenally, make MISTAKES. might as well ignore the cross altogether. Jesus came for sinners, of whom i am the worst.
ugh, unfortunately i am all out of energy for writing (even more) about myself. guess this will remain a one point post. another day.
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Katie,
ReplyDeleteI like that you think through these things rather than just accept or reject them. It does seem weird that Jesus can eat with "publicans and sinners", Paul can call himself the worst of sinners, but people can still think in sectarian terms.
Although I never appreciated it as a kid, I love the book "Lord of the Flies". In it the perfect, well educated British children turn into savage murderers. The point of the book is that evil isn't something that's "out there"; it's inside of us. What we do with this I think is difficult. Some people will want to hang out with people who drag them down and cause them to do and act wrong, others will run away so they don't become 'contaminated'. How do you make a difference in people's lives, which is the loving thing to do?