You can't have it all....

I hate when people say this. I hate hearing it, even if it's not directed at me. I'm not sure that I can verbalize why. I think it's a combination of 1) my upbringing in a legalistic school (once I found out that some things that people told me I couldn't do, I actually COULD do, I may have gone a little overboard) and 2) my annoyance at people who appear to me to use this mantra as an excuse to spend their lives in front of their televisions. in my mind, if you're telling me that I can't have it all, do it all, etc. then you've just chosen to settle in ways that I haven't yet.

and yet....

i'm finding that it's true at times. i don't want to admit this. i hate typing this. i'm only doing it because i can't analyze my thoughts until i get them OUT. once it's on paper, typed into my blog, spoken to a friend, etc. i can think about it. i can realize that my thoughts are completely stupid or that i do have a point or something in between. no matter how terrible my thoughts are, i have to put them in a place where i can look at them. (i've been thinking about this lately. i'm reading a rob bell book for a church group thing that i'm doing. i'm reading critically because quite frankly i don't like rob bell's written words. he makes alot of implications but doesn't actually SAY what he means. and i don't have any love or appreciation for that. but i do the same thing. so i'm working on it.)

so anyways, off the rabbit trail and back to the point. i can't have it all. i have to prioratize. i can't go to camp this summer. there's a person in my life that i can never talk to again. ever. i hate that. i don't even know if i WANT to talk to this person again, but i would like to believe that i COULD. i want to THINK that i could go back to camp this summer and it would work out. i also want to think alot of other things, like that i could learn italian, read The Brothers Karamazov, do alot of volunteer work, catch up with all my friends, and alot of other things all before I go back to school. I want to do ALOT of other things and i don't know for sure if i can have it all or not but for right now i have to prioritize. school is one of the biggest things that i want right now and so there's other things that i'm choosing not to do. maybe i should stop telling myself that i can't do them and start telling myself that i'm choosing not to do them. i don't know. i just really don't like throwing all my eggs in one basket. is that the saying?? eggs in one nest?? o i don't know. but anyways. i don't like putting all my efforts in to one thing. it's scary. because if i mess up that one thing then i'm left with....nothing. but if i don't put all my efforts into one thing then i'm left with....alot of things that i don't even really want. or at least not very much.

good ol' gramma

so i spent the weekend visiting two law schools with my momma. four flights, seven hours of driving, exploring two law schools and the surrounding towns, and four pounds gained from all that delicious southern food. i had a great time, but i'm exhausted. i LOVED the first school. found an apartment, bought some festive apparel. i could have gone home right then and there. i was sold. and then we went to the second school. the one i've been dreaming about since i was FOURTEEN. it was beautiful. and now i really don't know which one i love more. i thought i was going to make some decisions this weekend, but i didn't.

i started panicing (which is basically my default setting). and when i panic, i do this thing where i basically ramble on and on to anyone who will listen. i may make sense during this babble or i may be completely incoherent. depends on how frantic i am. i did this to my sister, my mother, perhaps a couple of friends. on our way home we called my grandma from the airport. she was in the shower when we called but for some reason, she answered anyways. in her haste to get off the phone, (for understandable reasons) i thought she wasn't interested in my whole law school dilemma. she told me to pray about it and got off the phone. the next day i found out that she did in fact care aLoT.

i called my grandma today to talk about law school. i didn't know what to say because i wasn't sure how much she would even know about the topic. but i called her. i think i underestimate grams sometimes. i see her as the woman who makes me baked goods and lets me watch jeopardy with her in her room. takes me out to dinner and lets me go on and on (and on) about my life. but there's a whole other side to me gma. she is a BuSiNeSs woman. one smart lady. you don't become a millionaire by accident. so i get on the phone. i tell my grandma that the trip didn't help me to make any decisions. she asks me if i've prayed about it. i say yes. she says, "no, how you REALLY prayed about it? given it OVER to God?" i say i don't know (only because i don't want to disapoint my grandma by telling her that i definitely haven't.) and Grandma goes on to give me the best and most comforting advice that i've gotten about law school so far.

she asks me enough questions to understand my situation. you know, where i've applied, where i've gotten in, prices, dates, etc. she tells me that it's a time to be really excited but also really careful about any decisions that i make. she tells me to make the small deposit to keep my spot at the sure thing, but that i need to go for what i want (i think her wording was that i should take what i want-loved it) and that i never know what's coming in the mail tomorrow or if my dream school will offer me a scholarship or something like that. she gives me a little bit more advice, tells me to call whenever i want, reminds me that she loves me and gets off the phone. and i really do feel better.

as i process this conversation throughout the afternoon, i am almost brought to tears by the conversation (i definitely got a little choked up at one point). here's the thing. my family is a hot mess. i'm not just saying that. it's true. all kinds of crazy has happened. disfunctional is like way too mild and nice to describe the situation. i've actually kind of distanced myself from that side of the family lately for my own mental health. but the conversation with grandma not only helped me to make a good decision, it reminded me that people do change. the change for my grandma really has been her faith in God. she's forgiven people. i think she's let go of some anger. she's so pleasant. and she has so much wisdom. and it just reminded me that God really is working on us. our family. (we are after all a unit) we're a mess and some of us are in the process of becoming better people and some of us aren't, and most days i don't see any change at all, but slowly, over time, God is DOING something. sometimes you get solid reminders of that. like my conversation with gma. i owe her.

big head, little body

i did it. two weeks notice at job number two was given as of yesterday. in case you haven't noticed from the numerous times i've mentioned it here, (or inevitably heard me talk about it if we happen to be chatty friends) i REALLY struggled with whether or not to keep working both jobs. i don't think it's being too dramatic to say that it was a painful dilemma for me. as soon as i gave the notice,i felt really good about it. calm. peaceful. and i found myself asking, WHY was this such a big struggle for me? why did i try so hard to make it work when it obviously wasn't? (as evidenced by a bitchy, miserable me who had or took no time to do anything). i do think it's a reasonable argument that i need the money for school. it sounds ok. no one can argue this point.

but here's my issue. my big issue in life. i have a big head!! i'm selfish and prideful. i want my things to be MINE. ithink i wanted to work myself crazy so that i would have more money so that i could pay for more of my schooling. i want it to be MY accomplishment. i don't want help. i would rather alienate myself from everyone that i love and spend all my time at work, even though i spend alot of time in a zombie like state. i don't know if this is conceited of me to say, but i do plan on doing some awesome things with my life. i plan on helping people. empathizing. being a shoulder to lean on but one who can actually DO something about the problem, because i have a fancy degree to back it up. i want to be good, but i want the credit for my own goodness. that is really what it comes down to.

so basically the thoughts that has been going through my head for the past two days sound something like this how much credit am i trying to take away from God? He called me to Himself-am i trying to take the credit for that? He raised this life from the dead-am itrying to take the credit for that? and what would happen if i acknowledged that i had NOTHING to do with those things?? what if i gave God the credit that he was due?? ASKED him to do more things? and what if i did that with people too?? acknowledged that i need them to get through law school (heck to get through life in general). asked them to help me. i'll get farther if i ask for/accept help, but my big head has an issue with that because i want to be able to say that i did it on my own. what a sinner i am.

in other new, i started listening to my timothy keller sermons today. heard one on james in the car today. it was about using the Bible as a mirror and making necessary changes. it was awesome. i'm going to listen to it a bunch of times before i start a new one. really let it sink in.

so last night i went back to bloomsburg to visit for the night to see two of my FAVORITE people. things were pleasantly the same as before i left. we survived a creeper of waiter at dennys (which is weird-usually the creepy people are working at taco bell), drove around bc once again bloomsburg has found a way to test the patience of kids who need overnight parking. i used katherine's laptop as an office while she did real work on paper. we tried to revive one sad little hampster with sunlight-to no avail. business as usual.

and as i was driving home through towns where my little car doesn't get and radio reception, i thought about how relieved i was that things were still alot the same. i only have a handful of REALLY close friends-and they're all either married or currently living far away. i'm thrilled for the good marriages (don't see many of those anymore) and excited for the ways everyone's lives are evolving. but there's always a part of me that's scared that one day i'll wake up and no longer fit into those evolving lives. i know that mine's changing too, but right now it really doesn't seem that way. every day's the same. i wake up, go to work, come home, take a shower, and go back to work until bedtime. "off" time usually means laundry, cleaning the mess i left, running errands, making lunches. it's all the same. every day i worry that
1.) my life is way too boring right now and i need to cut back on working so that i can have more of one and
2.) that i won't have enough money to make it through school so i'd better work even more hours than before.

i know these thoughts don't go together. but they're both a constant worry. we used to sit around at school and worry about our lives too. it was a three year conversation about how we don't exactly know what we're DOING. but it was ok, even comforting, because we all felt that way, and the conversation would inevitably end with a comforting trip to taco bell or episode of the biggest loser. so, i was happy to see some of my girls and THRILLED for the comfort of eating too much and little jack and sleeping on the floor and even the slamming doors and little k.

almost SpRiNg!!!

it's march and we haven't died of depression from lack of sunlight yet!!! things are looking up!! seriously. i spent the weekend in new jersey and new york city with my dad. we were originally planning to go to georgia and south carolina to look at law schools, but i decided that i definitely don't want to go to the schools there. they're SUCH pretty places and i find myself secretly wanting to live there, but the law schools there are exPENsive and they don't have the opportunities that i really want. i'll end up being a hideously indebted girl with a mediocre education who got to live in a really pretty place for awhile (and then probs had to go back home and live with my parents for the rest of my life or something). maybe someday i'll end up there, but for now i need to go get the education that i want (at the price i can live with!!). i think i know where that place is. i'll know for sure in two weeks:)

so instead of the pretty states, we went to visit Timothy Keller's church in NYC. My dad's brother and his family live right outside the city, so we went to visit and stayed with them on saturday night. i had so much fun!! we sat around and just ate and caught up and i got to play playdough and such with my little three year old cousin. so nice to be around family. i wish i could see them more often:) the next day, we drove to nyc and walked around the city all day until the night service. we went to the american museum of natural history and i basked in how little i actually know about history. we ate yogurt from the shake shack. we checked out central park. and then we heard Dr. Timothy Keller beautifully outline, explain, and expound upon Isaiah 54. Seriously, if you can get the podcast, DO IT. I was left with some thoughts to ponder, and also some cassette tapes of past sermons of his that I got for $1 each at the cd table. One of my goals for March is to pick some sermons and listen to them repeatedly on my many commutes to and from work. I've been making an attempt to be consistent with reading my Bible/pondering my readings lately, and I think hearing the same truths over and over again over a period of time might be a good idea.

Idk if it's the weather or what, but i'm in a goal setting mood. i like the whole beginning of the month, fresh start thing. here are some that i have in mind for march...
1.) put in my two weeks notice at job #2.

dunno if this will happen or not. i'm always thinking about whether i should be working two jobs or not. i would have more time to pu tinto the other goals if i was only working one job. no question. but my ULTIMATE goal right now is to get to law school. i can't do anything about the workload right now. the only part of that goal that i can work on is the financing. i don't want to be anyone's slave if i can possibly avoid it. but is 20 hours a week of slicing meats and cheeses really making enough of a difference financially for me to sacrifice time with friends, time for myself, the gym, more church time, and other things i'm sure?? will i look back and be happy i did it or wish i had prioritized differently?? does the Bible say anything about this or am i left to make this decision on my own?? i'm trying to balance what it says about debt and what it says about time. I don't know!!!

2.) listen to Timothy Keller's sermons on cassette while driving.

I need to take advantage of my time. there's no way around it. i want to try this and see how it goes.

3.) clean up my eating!

ummm, put down the snickers, pick up the fruit! i'm totally taking advantage of the fact that i spend my days running around and can eat alooooot of food right now without gaining weight. maybe some of that food shouldn't come in a package/be loaded down with crap!!

i actually have some more things in mind that i want to do this month, but i don't want to overwhelm myself. we'll see if this stuff happens. spring is coming people!! it's time to get happy and get ambitious!:)