my week in review

Today I was standing outside talking to my cousin in a parking lot. This truck pulls up to a stop sign. The windows are down and the driver is this guy, and he's letting whoever's sitting next to him in the truck have it. The f-bomb is flying, he's calling her names, he's yelling, he's scaring ME and I'm not even the person he's talking to. At one point I swear me and Crazy made eye contact, and I feel like that would persuade a normal person to at least tone it down a little, but it didn't affect him at all. I couldn't see who was next to him, but I said to my cousin, "If that's a kid in there, I'm calling the police." It was a woman, I'm guessing it was his wife. She appeared to be just sitting there and taking it. He made a left and drove out of sight. I wasn't sure what to do, and my cousin said there really wasn't anything we could do because we didn't see his license plate and we didn't know where he was going.

Two weeks ago I was sitting on my back porch with some friends at night when we heard a scream. It was a kid, and I could tell which house it was coming from. Now, I know everyone feels the need to throw a tantrum now and then (sometimes I still get the urge to be honest) but it really didn't sound like that. It sounded like someone was potentially in pain, but I really couldn't be sure. The thing is, I don't know these people. I looked around for extra food from the picnic we'd had that day. I thought maybe if we had some left over I could take it over and ask if these people wanted any and kind of go from there. But I couldn't find anything. So I didn't go.

On Monday, I went to a FREE (freedom and restoration for everyone enslaved) meeting. It was really great. These people get together to learn about human trafficking and take action against it in our county. I learned ALOT on Monday, and there were alot of things said that I'm thinking about. Towards the end this woman asked a really good question. I don't remember what the question was but somewhere in the dialogue that took place as a result of it, she started talking about Latino brothels. Apparently these places are really hard to bust because they look like houses. No one knows they're there.

And I mean I'm really hoping to do something with my life that involves social justice. IJM is still the dream, but I'm seeing that things happen everywhere. I could work in my hometown. I could work in any town. And I just really wish I knew my neighbors. I wish I was nosy, overprotective, concerned and INVOLVED. I wish I had called the police. I wish I hadn't been too proud to FIND a reason to go next door. I just don't want to be one of those people who passes people by...
(I'm done here because any resolutions of change wouldn't make sense yet-they'd sound good, but whether or not I will do them remains to be seen)

ALMOST over it

i would like to spend the rest of my life on cloud 9 if possible. i don't care if it's realistic, i want to be deliriously happy about everything, darn it. but lately i've been getting mushy/sentimental/hormonal/nostalgic, etc. about everything. you name it, i'm feelin it. it's annoying. i've spend quite a bit of time and effort learning how to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way. it really is one of my biggest struggles (i tend to binge, have anxiety attacks, grind my teeth, and/or obsess about well EVERYTHING to cope). and lately i've been feeling alot of negative emotions because my life is just comfortble right now, and i'm no longer sure that i want to leave it.



i've been wanting to move to the south since high school. back then my plan was to become a social worker, live on biscuits and gravy, and roam free. i would barely make enough to pay the bills by working in the public sector and helping the poorest people i could find. i wanted my life to be straight out of a john grisham novel. i told lots of people about my plan, but then for some reason i totally forgot about it after high school. (a friend reminded me at the end of our freshman year of college. tim macarthur, wherever you are, you're a gem.)

so you know, fast forward four years, i'm going to law school. i think i've already written about why i want to go in here, and if not and you're reading this, chances are i've already explained it to you as best as i can. (i believe the actual answer would be something like, "uhh i really have no clue what i'm doing at this point, but i really believe God is directing me here. i don't now yet how He's going to use me or even if i'll be able to handle law school, the bar exam, or a potential post law school job. the reality is that i'm not actually that smart, but i feel really passionately about the whole concept of justice in general and i don't mind spending three years in the library,and i have some ideas about what i want to do with it, but mostly it just seemed like something worth pursing. so uhhh, we'll see. maybe i'll fail out and see you again in december. if you don't see me, please take that as a sign that it's working out." but people aren't ok with that. they don't tend to accept the whole God being a mystery thing. i don't get it either. so i'm always attepting some kind of lame explanation for what i honestly don't know much about yet.)

anyways, i'm not sure why i went off on that whole mini tirade or why the majority of that last paragraph is in parentheses, but what i'm trying to say is that i've always wanted to move to the south. i have a few complaints about pennsylvania, and quite a few more specifically about berks county. i've wanted out for a long time. i've had many conversations with my dad about how this just isn't my place. it's too cold. manners are lacking. i don't like the food. and on and on and on....but lately, i've been able to picture it. i can see me getting a teaching job around here. spending as much time in bloomsburg with my favorite girls as possible. going to my daddy's church. hanging out with a few cool people i've recently started chillin with around here. being around for tim and sarah's future babies. i could have a really great life here.

and i don't know why i'm starting to think this way. i never have before. i think i'm just getting scared and like really uncomfortable. i remember packing up all my stuff for my first semester at bloomsburg. i had a minimeltdown after packing up an entire box of shoes. i had never seen them all together in a box before and for some reason that was particularly stress inducing. i don't know, i just feel like pure adrenaline (and ALOT of support from people who love me) is what got me through the whole prelaw school process, and that adrenaline is gone. i don't feel all "cloud 9"ish about this anymore. this is where if me and law school were dating, i'd start pulling back and reconsidering. actually, i think that's exactly what i've been doing lately. i had been imagining it in all it's glory, and now i'm trying to imagine it for what it is. and i mean, i think i'll have big moments of loneliness, homesickness, stress, fatigue, and well, bitchiness. but the stuff i said in the parentheses paragraph is true. those are my reasons for going, and they may not sound very convincing, but they're what i'm basing this life decision on. i'm NOT changing my mind, i'm just getting over the honeymoon phase and trying to be ok with that.

I'm a runner...

I love being single. I don't want to lie and try to pretend like I'm in this phase of life where I'm feeling fulfilled and content 100% of the time, but I do love being single.

I'm a runner.

I didn't realize this about myself. I've always thought of myself as loyal and the kind of girl who finishes what she starts. And that's true. For the most part, I don't quit sports, clubs, organizations, volunteer work, or jobs. I stick up for my friends even when they're wrong because they're MY FRIENDS darn it. I don't (or haven't yet) changed majors.

But I'm so quick to quit Bible studies, churches, and any other type of christian gathering. My reasoning is simple. I love God. And I don't want to be involved in something that will suck that love out of me. I don't ever want to associate "Bible study" with "boring." That would be a crying shame. So if my Bible study IS boring, then it would be better for me not to go. To keep the love that I have for God is worth sacrificing fellowship for. That's what I choose to believe. So I tend to allow myself to roam in this area. Because, to be honest, sometimes people annoy me.

And lately (in the past year and a half) I've been finding myself wanting to roam in other areas too. I want to live somewhere new, I want to try something new, I just want OUT. And I've come to really appreciate being a single christian woman because I realize that when I think I'm randomly wandering God is really leading me to places that are better than where I was before.

So the wandering I've come to appreciate. But then, about a month and a half ago, I went to this women's retreat. One of my friends was speaking that weekend and I remember her talking about the Body of Christ. I don't remember her exact words and I'm nervous to paraphrase them because I don't know if I will do it correctly. But she was talking about the Body of Christ and how sometimes, when women aren't getting what they want from it, or participating in it the way they want to, or being used the way they want to, they choose to disconnect. (That passage where someone says that they're not a part of the body if they can't be the eye was used. You know the one I'm talking about). And I've kind of been dwelling on that lately. Because as much as I don't want to lose what me and God already have, he's also put me in this group. And I tend to look for the easiest way OUT of the group. There have been cases where I really do feel like it was the best thing for me to leave. And then there have been other cases. Like the one I'm in now. I'm in a new Bible study that I believe I need to stay in for the time being for the simple reason that I need to learn to stay in relationships even when they're not perfect. I need to learn to be my brother's keeper. I need to confront in love and react well when I'm confronted. I need to learn to stop running my mouth all the time (otherwise known as gossiping. I'm a gossiping queen).

And what's really nice about all this (I'm sure there's many things, but the one I'm thinking about right now) is that God's giving me a way to work on these things while still fulfilling my desire to roam. I'm moving soon. I'm going to work on these relationships till then. It's not a permanent setup. He's not making me stay in one place for a long time until I "get it right." He's not changing the plan and requiring me to get a husband to work through these issues with (I believe that marriages are designed to make people holy. I have no doubt that the best way for me to work on the issues mentioned in the paragraph above would be to work on them on a daily basis in a marriage context. I would be beyond thrilled to do that someday. But I do not believe that day is in the immediate future for me. Just to be clear). He's letting me keep my personality and changing the things about me that are actually wrong. Which is quite nice of Him. And it reminds me that God actually likes who I am. Not the sin (which is a BIG part of who I am). But you know, the other stuff.

so i'm sitting here waiting for my homemade pizza crust to get done rising. that's right folks, i make it myself:) it's not that making pizza crust is hard (took about 3 minutes of prep and 20 min of waiting) it's just that i tend to be lazy and buy frozen pizza because it's cheap and just so darn convenient. but i have this friend from church who is encouraging me to set healthy goals and go for them. and one of my goals is to stop buying so much ready made crap and start cooking more. so today i'm giving it a shot. and ummm, that's really all i have to say. i'm just super proud of my susie-homemaker-like skills:)

the sin "in here"

so today i've been thinking about accountability.

i had a really great experience yesterday. i went to visit a friend at her house, to catch up and have dinner. through the course of conversation, she asked me how i was doing on some goals that i have set for myself and have let many friends know about. ummm i haven't been doing so great actually. i've fallen back into that fetal position rut of working, complaining, and resting on my laurels. i left feeling motivated to make specific changes. there's some accounability that i can use. i knew i was doing wrong, but the fact that i actually had to admit it, out loud to another person, did something to me that admitting it to myself did not.

so i come home and talk to a friend. this friend is dealing with a boy situation right now and well, she's doing wrong. i feel like i should be the person holding her accountable because she is a very dear friend to me and i really don't think anyone seems to be too concerned with her godliness in this situation. so, in my usual blunt way, i kindof call her out on this. i haven't heard from her since last night. this could simply be because she has a busy life, or it COULD be because i wasn't very gentle and may have been hurtful in this situaion. and i'm left thinking, "how could holding someone accountable have worked so well in the first situation and so badly in the second?"

so i thought about the whole accountability thing at work today. it was a really great day because i had a job where i was just kindof by myself all day. i like it that way. i would rather think than talk at work. but anyways, my mind went to a skit that i'd seen acted out (by Nicole Johnson-i used to LOVE her skits. i might still, but i haven't seen one in awhile). it was that story where people are stoning an adulterous woman and Jesus comes and tells the people that he who is without sin should throw the first stone. i'm not a huge fan of dramatizing the Bible because i think things tend to get added, deleted, or misconstrued. but seeing this story acted out is helpful because there's something in this story that you might miss if you just read. the whole act of the rock throwing is so powerful because the people were taking big heavy rocks and throwing them away from themselves and onto the woman. it wasn't just the rocks, it was alot of blame too. she was in the wrong, she was the sinner, and they were taking care of the evil that was "out there." and then Jesus came onto the scene, not only to have compassion on the woman, but also to remind the people that the sin was "in here." it was in each individual and casting blame on others wouldn't take care of the problem.

i've been really thinking about that lately. the fact that the evil isn't just in others, it's in ME. it sounds so very simple, but i'm always tempted to think otherwise. and the thing is that i really want others to hold me accountable. to call me out when i'm doing wrong and follow up when i tell them what i'm working on. i want to progress and go further and do more. i appreciate the whole iron sharpening iron thing. but i'm VERY nervous about being the iron that sharpens the iron. i think that i will take the whole holding people accountable thing and turn it into a rock throwing of sorts. a self righteous pointing out the sin "out there" and using it to make me feel better about the sin "in here." but i can't use my fear as an excuse. i'm here to love other people and loving people means holding them accountable. so i've got to figure out a way to do it that doesn't alienate and cast blame. and i'm not exactly sure what that looks like.

be thou my vision (is on repeat)

two things on my mind today.
the first is (as usual) myself. will get to that in about three minutes.

the second is something that happened at church on Sunday. six days later and i'm still thinking about it. that doesn't happen too often. so i went to this Sunday school class on Ezekiel. not gonna lie, i don't remember much about the class. what i DO remember, however, is something a woman said in the class. i believe she was asking a question, but i don't remember exactly what. but she said something to the effect of, we Christians have these evil people all around us and sometimes we make mistakes and accidetally act like these people for a minute but then we ask God for forgiveness and he DOES forgive us. o my goodness this bothered me. in the past i have had the tendency to speak up whenever i hear something that disagrees with me. i still kindof have that tendency, but i think i was intimidated because the class was mostly adults and well, i'm a kid (and also because i hadn't fully thought through the bad taste in my mouth yet at that point).

here's my issue. maybe it's only my issue, but i kind of doubt it. i don't accidentally sin. the evil people aren't "out there." my sin isn't only occasional, and it isn't the fault of the people around me. there's evil in this heart. evil thoughts, bad intentions, terrible actions. i'm a worse person than i'd ever feel comfortable admitting, even to myself, even in my biggest moments of clarity. i've been thinking about that alot this week. what exactly Jesus was doing when He gave up His life for me. He was dying for a girl who didn't deserve it. who would find out the life that she had been offered by this death, accept the forgiveness that it offered, and then at times (many times) choose to ignore this and do as she pleased. i don't like this about myself. i hate the part of me that does it. but it would be an even bigger wrong to pretend that it doesn't happen. to pretend that i only occasionally,accidenally, make MISTAKES. might as well ignore the cross altogether. Jesus came for sinners, of whom i am the worst.

ugh, unfortunately i am all out of energy for writing (even more) about myself. guess this will remain a one point post. another day.

You can't have it all....

I hate when people say this. I hate hearing it, even if it's not directed at me. I'm not sure that I can verbalize why. I think it's a combination of 1) my upbringing in a legalistic school (once I found out that some things that people told me I couldn't do, I actually COULD do, I may have gone a little overboard) and 2) my annoyance at people who appear to me to use this mantra as an excuse to spend their lives in front of their televisions. in my mind, if you're telling me that I can't have it all, do it all, etc. then you've just chosen to settle in ways that I haven't yet.

and yet....

i'm finding that it's true at times. i don't want to admit this. i hate typing this. i'm only doing it because i can't analyze my thoughts until i get them OUT. once it's on paper, typed into my blog, spoken to a friend, etc. i can think about it. i can realize that my thoughts are completely stupid or that i do have a point or something in between. no matter how terrible my thoughts are, i have to put them in a place where i can look at them. (i've been thinking about this lately. i'm reading a rob bell book for a church group thing that i'm doing. i'm reading critically because quite frankly i don't like rob bell's written words. he makes alot of implications but doesn't actually SAY what he means. and i don't have any love or appreciation for that. but i do the same thing. so i'm working on it.)

so anyways, off the rabbit trail and back to the point. i can't have it all. i have to prioratize. i can't go to camp this summer. there's a person in my life that i can never talk to again. ever. i hate that. i don't even know if i WANT to talk to this person again, but i would like to believe that i COULD. i want to THINK that i could go back to camp this summer and it would work out. i also want to think alot of other things, like that i could learn italian, read The Brothers Karamazov, do alot of volunteer work, catch up with all my friends, and alot of other things all before I go back to school. I want to do ALOT of other things and i don't know for sure if i can have it all or not but for right now i have to prioritize. school is one of the biggest things that i want right now and so there's other things that i'm choosing not to do. maybe i should stop telling myself that i can't do them and start telling myself that i'm choosing not to do them. i don't know. i just really don't like throwing all my eggs in one basket. is that the saying?? eggs in one nest?? o i don't know. but anyways. i don't like putting all my efforts in to one thing. it's scary. because if i mess up that one thing then i'm left with....nothing. but if i don't put all my efforts into one thing then i'm left with....alot of things that i don't even really want. or at least not very much.

good ol' gramma

so i spent the weekend visiting two law schools with my momma. four flights, seven hours of driving, exploring two law schools and the surrounding towns, and four pounds gained from all that delicious southern food. i had a great time, but i'm exhausted. i LOVED the first school. found an apartment, bought some festive apparel. i could have gone home right then and there. i was sold. and then we went to the second school. the one i've been dreaming about since i was FOURTEEN. it was beautiful. and now i really don't know which one i love more. i thought i was going to make some decisions this weekend, but i didn't.

i started panicing (which is basically my default setting). and when i panic, i do this thing where i basically ramble on and on to anyone who will listen. i may make sense during this babble or i may be completely incoherent. depends on how frantic i am. i did this to my sister, my mother, perhaps a couple of friends. on our way home we called my grandma from the airport. she was in the shower when we called but for some reason, she answered anyways. in her haste to get off the phone, (for understandable reasons) i thought she wasn't interested in my whole law school dilemma. she told me to pray about it and got off the phone. the next day i found out that she did in fact care aLoT.

i called my grandma today to talk about law school. i didn't know what to say because i wasn't sure how much she would even know about the topic. but i called her. i think i underestimate grams sometimes. i see her as the woman who makes me baked goods and lets me watch jeopardy with her in her room. takes me out to dinner and lets me go on and on (and on) about my life. but there's a whole other side to me gma. she is a BuSiNeSs woman. one smart lady. you don't become a millionaire by accident. so i get on the phone. i tell my grandma that the trip didn't help me to make any decisions. she asks me if i've prayed about it. i say yes. she says, "no, how you REALLY prayed about it? given it OVER to God?" i say i don't know (only because i don't want to disapoint my grandma by telling her that i definitely haven't.) and Grandma goes on to give me the best and most comforting advice that i've gotten about law school so far.

she asks me enough questions to understand my situation. you know, where i've applied, where i've gotten in, prices, dates, etc. she tells me that it's a time to be really excited but also really careful about any decisions that i make. she tells me to make the small deposit to keep my spot at the sure thing, but that i need to go for what i want (i think her wording was that i should take what i want-loved it) and that i never know what's coming in the mail tomorrow or if my dream school will offer me a scholarship or something like that. she gives me a little bit more advice, tells me to call whenever i want, reminds me that she loves me and gets off the phone. and i really do feel better.

as i process this conversation throughout the afternoon, i am almost brought to tears by the conversation (i definitely got a little choked up at one point). here's the thing. my family is a hot mess. i'm not just saying that. it's true. all kinds of crazy has happened. disfunctional is like way too mild and nice to describe the situation. i've actually kind of distanced myself from that side of the family lately for my own mental health. but the conversation with grandma not only helped me to make a good decision, it reminded me that people do change. the change for my grandma really has been her faith in God. she's forgiven people. i think she's let go of some anger. she's so pleasant. and she has so much wisdom. and it just reminded me that God really is working on us. our family. (we are after all a unit) we're a mess and some of us are in the process of becoming better people and some of us aren't, and most days i don't see any change at all, but slowly, over time, God is DOING something. sometimes you get solid reminders of that. like my conversation with gma. i owe her.

big head, little body

i did it. two weeks notice at job number two was given as of yesterday. in case you haven't noticed from the numerous times i've mentioned it here, (or inevitably heard me talk about it if we happen to be chatty friends) i REALLY struggled with whether or not to keep working both jobs. i don't think it's being too dramatic to say that it was a painful dilemma for me. as soon as i gave the notice,i felt really good about it. calm. peaceful. and i found myself asking, WHY was this such a big struggle for me? why did i try so hard to make it work when it obviously wasn't? (as evidenced by a bitchy, miserable me who had or took no time to do anything). i do think it's a reasonable argument that i need the money for school. it sounds ok. no one can argue this point.

but here's my issue. my big issue in life. i have a big head!! i'm selfish and prideful. i want my things to be MINE. ithink i wanted to work myself crazy so that i would have more money so that i could pay for more of my schooling. i want it to be MY accomplishment. i don't want help. i would rather alienate myself from everyone that i love and spend all my time at work, even though i spend alot of time in a zombie like state. i don't know if this is conceited of me to say, but i do plan on doing some awesome things with my life. i plan on helping people. empathizing. being a shoulder to lean on but one who can actually DO something about the problem, because i have a fancy degree to back it up. i want to be good, but i want the credit for my own goodness. that is really what it comes down to.

so basically the thoughts that has been going through my head for the past two days sound something like this how much credit am i trying to take away from God? He called me to Himself-am i trying to take the credit for that? He raised this life from the dead-am itrying to take the credit for that? and what would happen if i acknowledged that i had NOTHING to do with those things?? what if i gave God the credit that he was due?? ASKED him to do more things? and what if i did that with people too?? acknowledged that i need them to get through law school (heck to get through life in general). asked them to help me. i'll get farther if i ask for/accept help, but my big head has an issue with that because i want to be able to say that i did it on my own. what a sinner i am.

in other new, i started listening to my timothy keller sermons today. heard one on james in the car today. it was about using the Bible as a mirror and making necessary changes. it was awesome. i'm going to listen to it a bunch of times before i start a new one. really let it sink in.

so last night i went back to bloomsburg to visit for the night to see two of my FAVORITE people. things were pleasantly the same as before i left. we survived a creeper of waiter at dennys (which is weird-usually the creepy people are working at taco bell), drove around bc once again bloomsburg has found a way to test the patience of kids who need overnight parking. i used katherine's laptop as an office while she did real work on paper. we tried to revive one sad little hampster with sunlight-to no avail. business as usual.

and as i was driving home through towns where my little car doesn't get and radio reception, i thought about how relieved i was that things were still alot the same. i only have a handful of REALLY close friends-and they're all either married or currently living far away. i'm thrilled for the good marriages (don't see many of those anymore) and excited for the ways everyone's lives are evolving. but there's always a part of me that's scared that one day i'll wake up and no longer fit into those evolving lives. i know that mine's changing too, but right now it really doesn't seem that way. every day's the same. i wake up, go to work, come home, take a shower, and go back to work until bedtime. "off" time usually means laundry, cleaning the mess i left, running errands, making lunches. it's all the same. every day i worry that
1.) my life is way too boring right now and i need to cut back on working so that i can have more of one and
2.) that i won't have enough money to make it through school so i'd better work even more hours than before.

i know these thoughts don't go together. but they're both a constant worry. we used to sit around at school and worry about our lives too. it was a three year conversation about how we don't exactly know what we're DOING. but it was ok, even comforting, because we all felt that way, and the conversation would inevitably end with a comforting trip to taco bell or episode of the biggest loser. so, i was happy to see some of my girls and THRILLED for the comfort of eating too much and little jack and sleeping on the floor and even the slamming doors and little k.

almost SpRiNg!!!

it's march and we haven't died of depression from lack of sunlight yet!!! things are looking up!! seriously. i spent the weekend in new jersey and new york city with my dad. we were originally planning to go to georgia and south carolina to look at law schools, but i decided that i definitely don't want to go to the schools there. they're SUCH pretty places and i find myself secretly wanting to live there, but the law schools there are exPENsive and they don't have the opportunities that i really want. i'll end up being a hideously indebted girl with a mediocre education who got to live in a really pretty place for awhile (and then probs had to go back home and live with my parents for the rest of my life or something). maybe someday i'll end up there, but for now i need to go get the education that i want (at the price i can live with!!). i think i know where that place is. i'll know for sure in two weeks:)

so instead of the pretty states, we went to visit Timothy Keller's church in NYC. My dad's brother and his family live right outside the city, so we went to visit and stayed with them on saturday night. i had so much fun!! we sat around and just ate and caught up and i got to play playdough and such with my little three year old cousin. so nice to be around family. i wish i could see them more often:) the next day, we drove to nyc and walked around the city all day until the night service. we went to the american museum of natural history and i basked in how little i actually know about history. we ate yogurt from the shake shack. we checked out central park. and then we heard Dr. Timothy Keller beautifully outline, explain, and expound upon Isaiah 54. Seriously, if you can get the podcast, DO IT. I was left with some thoughts to ponder, and also some cassette tapes of past sermons of his that I got for $1 each at the cd table. One of my goals for March is to pick some sermons and listen to them repeatedly on my many commutes to and from work. I've been making an attempt to be consistent with reading my Bible/pondering my readings lately, and I think hearing the same truths over and over again over a period of time might be a good idea.

Idk if it's the weather or what, but i'm in a goal setting mood. i like the whole beginning of the month, fresh start thing. here are some that i have in mind for march...
1.) put in my two weeks notice at job #2.

dunno if this will happen or not. i'm always thinking about whether i should be working two jobs or not. i would have more time to pu tinto the other goals if i was only working one job. no question. but my ULTIMATE goal right now is to get to law school. i can't do anything about the workload right now. the only part of that goal that i can work on is the financing. i don't want to be anyone's slave if i can possibly avoid it. but is 20 hours a week of slicing meats and cheeses really making enough of a difference financially for me to sacrifice time with friends, time for myself, the gym, more church time, and other things i'm sure?? will i look back and be happy i did it or wish i had prioritized differently?? does the Bible say anything about this or am i left to make this decision on my own?? i'm trying to balance what it says about debt and what it says about time. I don't know!!!

2.) listen to Timothy Keller's sermons on cassette while driving.

I need to take advantage of my time. there's no way around it. i want to try this and see how it goes.

3.) clean up my eating!

ummm, put down the snickers, pick up the fruit! i'm totally taking advantage of the fact that i spend my days running around and can eat alooooot of food right now without gaining weight. maybe some of that food shouldn't come in a package/be loaded down with crap!!

i actually have some more things in mind that i want to do this month, but i don't want to overwhelm myself. we'll see if this stuff happens. spring is coming people!! it's time to get happy and get ambitious!:)

fasting and my feelings...

so tonight was pretty much just like last night. i found myself at work, stuffing my face with donuts and thinking about...fasting. i've fasted occasionally in high school, but pretty much stopped completely after 10th grade. i think it's a really good thing to do; get rid of all the sugar/salt/crap that you inevitably take in through your food and spend a day or two focusing. it's good for the soul. but i don't do it and i was thinking about why not. and that led me to thinking about two big issues that i think are getting in the way-my issues with food and my issues with anxiety.

i've been dieting since i was 7. seriously. i was the only kid on the playground who knew how many calories were in her pb&j AND how many miles of jogging it would take to burn them off (what i didn't know was what a mile was, and i never actually logged any of them). i've binged. i've purged. i've exercised. i've dieted. i've been a member of weight watchers. i'm always starting and stopping diets. balance is something that i have yet to master. i think part of my issue with fasting is that i'm so used to starting things when i feel like it and stopping when i get too hungry. my body's used to it too. it's like, "ok, i'll put up with this BS for a little while, but eventually you're going to get hungry and give in." i've spent so much time struggling/obsessing over food that i really don't know how to master it, even for a short time, even for a purpose that i feel is really important. i don't appear to be a girl with issues. it's kindof funny at times; i'm the girl who really wants to skip dinner so that she can eat three pieces of the cake that she loves so dearly. but for this purpose, it's a bit more serious than that.

the other issue is my anxiety. i've never been a big fan of, well, feeling things. i know that sounds terrible. heartless even. i get really excited when i get my period because that means i can blame the entire previous weeks' emotions on hormones. it's not me, it's the chemicals in my body. i just usually try to avoid strong emotions when i can. i like/trust logic. it makes sense. slowly i'm learning that, although my feelings CAN be dramatic, deceitful little bitches, they can also provide me with some really great insights. i cry/feel sad about a boy more often than i laugh/feel happy about him. it's time to walk away (thank you harsh life lesson of 2009). i feel really good/accomplished at the end of a college semester-i like what i'm doing and should continue. it's worth the stress i feel during the semester.

i am starting to be able to make sense out of my feelings. but the one feeling that i canNOT make sense of is my anxiety. like where it comes from or what it might be telling me. it takes my ability to plan ahead to a weird/unhealthy extreme. like i'm already thinking about how hard the workload is going to be for law school and panicing. thinking about financing it makes me breathing go a little weird. this anxiety materializes in smaller ways too. i wake up in the morning and worry that i haven't slept enough. i better caffeinate up just in CASE it turns out that i feel tired later. i had a hard day at work and don't feel like doing anything. i better skip the gym and go home (to sit on the couch) just in CASE i get there and still don't feel like working out (even though that's never happened before). i don't like this feeling because it makes me think i need things when i don't. it makes me give up/give in too easily. i think that the reason that i haven't been a successful faster in the past few years is that i wake up thinking/worrying about how hungry i'll be later and given my history with food, that i won't be able to deal. after a few hours of this i'm like o what the heck, at least i made it til 10am.

Jesus' awesome advice was to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Sufficient for today are today's troubles. He also said not to be anxious about anything but with prayer and petition to present my requests to God. My anxiety isn't going away (actually, i think the fasting will probably help with it. there's nothing like reducing your sugar intake for a little while to mellow you out) but i can bring the things that i'm anxious about to God. i can ask him to keep my mind on THIS day, THIS hour. i need to stay in the present. i need to fast, darn it.

So Yesterday...

was one of the more exciting days that I've had in awhile. Like it was a really big deal for me. Every day, I come home from work and ask my mother, almost in a panic, "Did we get any mail today?! WHERE is it??!!!" What I'm looking for is law school stuff, acceptance letters, scholarship stuff, etc.

Here's the thing about my life plan as of now. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know any lawyers, I'm not a political science or history major, my college doesn't even HAVE a legal department (a few classes, yes, anything official, NO). I started this process seemingly on a whim. Everytime I breakup or want to break up with a boy, I feel this huge need to assert my independence. I cut my hair. I lose weight. I do anything that says (to no one in particular) I don't need you. I'm fabulous as is. So I'd been thinking some random "being a lawyer would be cool" thoughts, and THIS display of being my own person was taking the LSATs. It was more expensive than the hair cut and the 100 calorie packs and that almost discouraged me but I thought what the heck. I'll see what happens. Then my brother-in-law told me about the International Justice Mission (maybe I'll blog about it some other time, but suffice it to say that if you don't know about it you should do some research, like right now!!!). The more I looked into it, the more excited it got me. I don't really feel like writing about WHY I want to become a lawyer right now either (another time friends!) but what I will say is that I really do want this, it seems like the right thing for me so far, and I actually feel a sense of obligation. That whole "to whom much has been given, much will be expected" thing. It is speaking RIGHT. TO. ME. I'm the girl who has been given much. I'm the girl of whom much will be expected. That's where part of my perfectionist nature comes in too.

So back to the mail last night. One of the schools I'm considering has quite a few things going for it right now in my mind. They have this program where students work on cases of prisoners where there is reasonable doubt that the prisoner is actually guilty. They have a clinic for disability law. They have a Christian legal society (I think all law schools have this actually. But I'm still counting it as a perk.) It's the cheapest one. AND last night they sent me a letter offering me a hefty amount of scholarship money. I'm excited about the money aspect. Very excited. I'm even more excited about something else. Maybe this is a stretch, but in my mind, that letter said "We think you got what it takes; so much so in fact that we're going to invest in you financially." And I just needed to hear that from someone who is knowledgeable and well objective. My friends/family/professors think I can do it, but in my mind, none of those people KNOW w hat it takes to succeed at what I'm trying to do. It was just a huge relief for me. Once again, no conclusion to anything, but I have to go because me and my mom are planning a trip and the planning needs to happen nowwwwww:)

I Need More Life...

So this whole waking up early for Bible time is going alright. Basically it goes like this: my alarm goes off at 4:30, I rub my eyes and temporarily consider going back to bed. This goes on for anywhere from 1-10 minutes. Then I pull out my Bible and prop up my pillows so I'm more so sitting than laying and read a chapter or two. I try to remember one to two main points and I'm lucky if that happens because honestly, this is not prime time for me. If this sounds really informal, that's because it is. Part of me feels like this is not good enough and I should, well, PERFECT it. Because that's my goal for everything. But I'm trying to be happy about the fact that I'm spending the time and making the effort, as small as it is.

Friday, I was reading in Matthew (12 I believe). Jesus' disciples were doing things that the Pharisees didn't like, like picking food to eat on the Sabbath. And Jesus was like, "Hey, that's Old Testament Law stuff. I have come to make things BETTER." Big paraphrase there. But the main point that I thought at the end of my reading was, "Jesus is making things better."

Fast forward a couple of hours at work. There's this guy there that kind of pisses me off. I'm not going to give reasons here, because that will just be me trying to justify my feelings. I want to believe that I have every right to feel however I want because he's just so annoying. I kind of snapped at him at work. The short version of the story is, I believed that he wronged me and was blowing it off. And I was NOT going to be without an apology. So I got my little head bobbing and my little finger wagging and told him how it was. And surprisingly, he was really nice about it. I was expecting a verbal throwdown and I got...the apology that I wanted. I went back to work and started thinking, "I really like this guy." And the confrontation seemed to make our relationship better. We were talking like friends the whole day. Instead of getting annoyed/bored at his stories, I found the humor in them. I was almost tempted to think that I had done the right thing by being a royal beotch to this man. I mean, I'm an introverted girl. I bottle my emotions and that's bad. I let them out in a healthy way here right? The relationship wasn't ruined, in fact it seemed to have gotten better as a result of the confrontation.

But here's the thing. If he had reacted in a negative way, I would have told him off (even more so than I did the first time). I decided in my head that I was going to get what I wanted (an apology) no matter what happened. And as I thought about this more throughout the day, I saw the correlation between what I had read and my life. Jesus came to take what was there and make it better. What comes naturally to me is to look out for MYSELF. It doesn't come naturally for me to think about other people over myself. There is no way that I would have gotten a bad reaction from this guy and thought, "What does George need? What would be best for him? Is he having a bad day? Should I ask about that?" My natural self is selfish and prideful and ugly. And Jesus came to bring something better, not just to bring grace where there used to be laws, but He's bringing something better for ME too. He's bringing life. He's bringing LIFE.

That's kind of the concept that I'm obsessing over right now. My comments about life lately have been things like, "I don't have a life" and "My life blows right now." I don't mean them literally of course. It's not that I don't have a life, but there's something I'm craving more of. I don't want to go to more parties, do more shopping, watch more movies. I'm not craving more activities, more friends, or more things. And to be honest, I'm not sure how to put into words exactly what I want. Some type of fulfillment I think. The small changes I've made lately (more Bible, more prayer, more thoughts of God) have given me more life and I'm wanting even more of that. And so I'm contemplating the whole concept of Jesus bringing life and actually BEING the life. I'm allowing myself to consider the possibility that the purpose of what He's telling people to do in the New Testament is to give those people life. That doing what He's telling ME to do in the New Testament will give ME life also. I don't have conclusions on this matter. But I'm thinking...

Somebody Spell it Out For Me!!!

Yay for a snow day! Yesterday I worked 15 hours and not much else. Today I worked four hours, followed by countless shows, a bath, and a 3.5 hour nap. O how the tides have turned:) I think something about all that sleep today helped me to process the thoughts I've been thinking about Jesus lately. I will attempts to write them out here....

While I don't always put this into practice, I do know that it is a BAD idea to compare myself to other people. I will hardly ever be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, thinnests, anythingelseiest person in the room (unless perhaps I am in the room alone). Add to this the fact that I am a big perfectionist, and comparing myself to others can lead to my priorities getting really screwed up really quickly.

Here's a little bit of background info on me: I went to an extremely legalistic Christian school through 10th grade. I was told in the fifth grade that if I had any unconfessed sin (and who doesn't?), when I get to heaven Jesus is going to play it on a movie projector in front of EVERYONE. So I had better confess it now. Try digesting that piece of information when you're 12. I spent an entire summer sick to my stomach and doing ridiculous things like calling my 3rd grade teacher to apologize for stealing starbursts from her prize box. This is just one extreme example. It wasn't all that harsh. I think the message that they were trying to convey was that there is some responsibility on your part. You shouldn't be a Christian who doesn't care. I don't even know if you can be. But the message in my mind was clear: You HAVE to be good. Jesus doesn't accept flaws, failures, or bad days. I was on a quest for perfection. And to give you the short version of the story, it didn't work out.

Now, I think me and God have this deal about what we're going to bring to the table: I'm going to bring the abilities that I have, my energy, alot of hard work. I'm going to find a passion for something that actually matters and pursue it. And He's going to bring EVERYTHING ELSE. He's going to take my efforts that aren't good enough and make good things out of them. He's going to provide opportunities that I didn't even think of. He's just going to make everything good. And it's going to be ENOUGH. (I think that's called grace). I think He offers these deals to everyone. But ours is personal.

So back to me trying to be like other people. I think it's a bad idea. Because people don't live perfectly. I do believe that Jesus was the only perfect example of living. So I've been looking at the Gospels lately. I'm in Matthew right now. (If I make it to John in the near future I'll be very impressed with my consistency). And the thing is, I'm slightly frusterated with the progression. Jesus started his ministry when he was 33. I am 22. How do I find the similarities here?? Jesus spent 33 years preparing for a 3 year ministry. When Jesus was 22, He was a carpenter and PREPARING for those 3 years. I think. What did that look like?? What did He think about at work? How did He feel? Was he angry at the same things that I'm angry at? Did the same things break His heart? Was he outspoken, or was it not the right time to speak out? How much wine did he think was an acceptable amount to drink? (Ok, the last question isn't super important. But I'd like to know.)

I have some clues from the Bible. There's that verse that says, "And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man." That's kind of encouraging. He wasn't at his wisdom peak when he was 12. I'm assuming He wasn't when he was 22 either. There was a progression that He was pursuing. Maybe I don't have to be at that peak right now. I know He spent ALOT of time in the temple, discussing/debating/arguing with teachers about the Bible. I think I'm safe to assume that not only did He know his Old Testament, He wasn't afraid of a little controversy (I like that!) I know that at 33, He had habits that he had to have been working on for awhile. You don't just magically have the ability to fast for 40 days and spend hours in prayer. You don't just magically know the Bible that well.

So, in summary, I know that Jesus spent his time working as a carpenter (low to moderate levels of excitement, I'm guessing) and developing some really slammin habits. Then, when the time was right, He picked up and left on a crazy adventure. So, I'm thinking, "Are there similarities here? Am I developing really slammin habits also? Am I finding a purpose? Am I getting ready for adventure? Am I getting ready to spend my time helping people and getting angry at/taking action against the right things?"

Are me and Jesus' lives similar??

Welcome to my life

I'm at one of those "in between" stages of my life.
I just graduated from college in December with a degree in special education. Some people think I wasted my degree because mostly what I got in my three and a half years of higher learning is a passion to go to law school. (I don't choose to hang out with those people). So here I am, with 8 months to kill before the next important chapter in my life begins. How do I choose to spend them? Working of course. Not only because I am responsible to the point of being boring, but also because law school ain't cheap and I'm not ALLOWED to work at all during my first year. I'm not a huge fan of debt, so I'm trying to take advantage of these months and work as much as possible. Like 60+ hours. In two boring, physically demanding jobs.

So I've been doing this for a few weeks, and I currently and finding myself to be cranky, a bit lonely, and exhausted. The thing is, I've been waiting my whole life to take a break from school. I'm SUCH a perfectionist and I get so stressed out that school is really consuming for me. I don't take the time to try fun things that seem interesting to me (like yoga, karate, book clubs, the list could go on). I don't take much time to read for fun and as a result feel like I'm not really a well rounded chicka. But the worst part, by far, is that I don't take the time to be one of those "good" Christians. I know that the response to that is "There are no "good" Christians. In fact the "bad" Christians are the only ones who can be saved." Or something like that. But I'm not disciplined. I can try anything for o, a day. But I don't read my Bible, pray, fast, meditate, any of that stuff, REGULARLY. And I was so excited for a time where I wouldn't be stressed out and could just concentrate on working, working out, and getting my life right.

And THEN work started. At 6am. In the morning. Which means that I wake up at 5am. Just to breeze in there right on time. And then when that's over, I go to work AGAIN. And the thing is, these jobs are physically demanding, but they are mindless. I have time to think literally all day. And I don't know why, but most of the time I find myself thinking about/focusing on my fears. I'm afraid of MANY things. There's this boy who kindof made my life miserable this summer. I'm afraid of seeing him again. I'm afraid that I won't have enough money to move to the South (my great love!) and go to law school. I'm afraid that people only like me because of what I can do for them. I'm afraid my car is going to die soon. Heck, I'm afraid of scary movies. The list could go on and on and....on. and it DOES. For hours. And by the time I get home, I'm already so defeated. There's no way I could do anything productive. I go to the gym for stress relief. I complain to my mom. I eat. I waste time online and watching tv. Basically I'm in a perpetual fetal position, too timid to tackle life. And in the last week, I've become really conscious of what I'm doing and wondering how I can possibly change.

It was a depressing few days. I wasn't sure who to talk to about this problem. I feel like most of my Christian friends would say, "Katie, you're too busy. You should obviously quit one of your jobs and then you'd have time for more important things. Isn't God more important than money to you?" And that's frusterating to me because He is, and this is clearly a time of imbalance in my life, but I can't get to school unless I work my butt off right now. I'm not exactly working to support a mall habit here. So I was thinking over the advice that I was SURE my friends would have given me had I chosen to ask them. (I didn't).

Despite the weather/my depressed mood about life, I showed up for Church on Sunday morning. I just recently started going to a pretty charismatic place. I mean, they wave their hands and dance around and do a bunch of other stuff that this baptist girl would probably only feel comfortable doing after a few rum and cokes. I appreciate that these people get emotionally involved in their relationships with God. There seems to be an enthusiasm that I feel like I've been missing, but I'm also cautious about it because I don't like to do things based solely on my emotions. They've deceived me too many times. Anyways, in between the songs, we were talking about how God can move the mountains and whoever was up there on the stage asked us what mountains we wanted God to move in our lives. And my answer was, "God, I want more time in my day!! I can't do it all!!" And, I swear to you, God answered me right then and there.

You know that show "The Big Bang Theory?" (funny show btw. I highly recommend it.) There's this episode where Sheldon is trying to figure out a science problem. He decides to follow Albert Einsten's example. Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity while working in a patent office. It was mundane work, and I don't remember the details, but it freed up his frontal cortex to do complex thinking. (This idea works for Sheldon in the episode too). Um, HELLO!!! Who is doing more mundane work than me?? And what is more complex than the Bible? If there was a way that I could read the Word of God before my long pointless day, I could meditate on it ALL day. I know this is really obvious, especially thinking about it now, but I really didn't consider the possibility of waking up early(er) to read my Bible before work. It doesn't seem possible that I could wake up before 5am. But I can. So, I'm working on thinking about things that are true while I'm working. They don't necessarily have to be Godly. They just have to be true. It can be what I read that morning. Or anything else. I have typed WAY more than my fair share for today, so I will expound upon this another time. But this is my blog for my "in between" phase.