ALMOST over it

i would like to spend the rest of my life on cloud 9 if possible. i don't care if it's realistic, i want to be deliriously happy about everything, darn it. but lately i've been getting mushy/sentimental/hormonal/nostalgic, etc. about everything. you name it, i'm feelin it. it's annoying. i've spend quite a bit of time and effort learning how to deal with negative emotions in a healthy way. it really is one of my biggest struggles (i tend to binge, have anxiety attacks, grind my teeth, and/or obsess about well EVERYTHING to cope). and lately i've been feeling alot of negative emotions because my life is just comfortble right now, and i'm no longer sure that i want to leave it.



i've been wanting to move to the south since high school. back then my plan was to become a social worker, live on biscuits and gravy, and roam free. i would barely make enough to pay the bills by working in the public sector and helping the poorest people i could find. i wanted my life to be straight out of a john grisham novel. i told lots of people about my plan, but then for some reason i totally forgot about it after high school. (a friend reminded me at the end of our freshman year of college. tim macarthur, wherever you are, you're a gem.)

so you know, fast forward four years, i'm going to law school. i think i've already written about why i want to go in here, and if not and you're reading this, chances are i've already explained it to you as best as i can. (i believe the actual answer would be something like, "uhh i really have no clue what i'm doing at this point, but i really believe God is directing me here. i don't now yet how He's going to use me or even if i'll be able to handle law school, the bar exam, or a potential post law school job. the reality is that i'm not actually that smart, but i feel really passionately about the whole concept of justice in general and i don't mind spending three years in the library,and i have some ideas about what i want to do with it, but mostly it just seemed like something worth pursing. so uhhh, we'll see. maybe i'll fail out and see you again in december. if you don't see me, please take that as a sign that it's working out." but people aren't ok with that. they don't tend to accept the whole God being a mystery thing. i don't get it either. so i'm always attepting some kind of lame explanation for what i honestly don't know much about yet.)

anyways, i'm not sure why i went off on that whole mini tirade or why the majority of that last paragraph is in parentheses, but what i'm trying to say is that i've always wanted to move to the south. i have a few complaints about pennsylvania, and quite a few more specifically about berks county. i've wanted out for a long time. i've had many conversations with my dad about how this just isn't my place. it's too cold. manners are lacking. i don't like the food. and on and on and on....but lately, i've been able to picture it. i can see me getting a teaching job around here. spending as much time in bloomsburg with my favorite girls as possible. going to my daddy's church. hanging out with a few cool people i've recently started chillin with around here. being around for tim and sarah's future babies. i could have a really great life here.

and i don't know why i'm starting to think this way. i never have before. i think i'm just getting scared and like really uncomfortable. i remember packing up all my stuff for my first semester at bloomsburg. i had a minimeltdown after packing up an entire box of shoes. i had never seen them all together in a box before and for some reason that was particularly stress inducing. i don't know, i just feel like pure adrenaline (and ALOT of support from people who love me) is what got me through the whole prelaw school process, and that adrenaline is gone. i don't feel all "cloud 9"ish about this anymore. this is where if me and law school were dating, i'd start pulling back and reconsidering. actually, i think that's exactly what i've been doing lately. i had been imagining it in all it's glory, and now i'm trying to imagine it for what it is. and i mean, i think i'll have big moments of loneliness, homesickness, stress, fatigue, and well, bitchiness. but the stuff i said in the parentheses paragraph is true. those are my reasons for going, and they may not sound very convincing, but they're what i'm basing this life decision on. i'm NOT changing my mind, i'm just getting over the honeymoon phase and trying to be ok with that.

I'm a runner...

I love being single. I don't want to lie and try to pretend like I'm in this phase of life where I'm feeling fulfilled and content 100% of the time, but I do love being single.

I'm a runner.

I didn't realize this about myself. I've always thought of myself as loyal and the kind of girl who finishes what she starts. And that's true. For the most part, I don't quit sports, clubs, organizations, volunteer work, or jobs. I stick up for my friends even when they're wrong because they're MY FRIENDS darn it. I don't (or haven't yet) changed majors.

But I'm so quick to quit Bible studies, churches, and any other type of christian gathering. My reasoning is simple. I love God. And I don't want to be involved in something that will suck that love out of me. I don't ever want to associate "Bible study" with "boring." That would be a crying shame. So if my Bible study IS boring, then it would be better for me not to go. To keep the love that I have for God is worth sacrificing fellowship for. That's what I choose to believe. So I tend to allow myself to roam in this area. Because, to be honest, sometimes people annoy me.

And lately (in the past year and a half) I've been finding myself wanting to roam in other areas too. I want to live somewhere new, I want to try something new, I just want OUT. And I've come to really appreciate being a single christian woman because I realize that when I think I'm randomly wandering God is really leading me to places that are better than where I was before.

So the wandering I've come to appreciate. But then, about a month and a half ago, I went to this women's retreat. One of my friends was speaking that weekend and I remember her talking about the Body of Christ. I don't remember her exact words and I'm nervous to paraphrase them because I don't know if I will do it correctly. But she was talking about the Body of Christ and how sometimes, when women aren't getting what they want from it, or participating in it the way they want to, or being used the way they want to, they choose to disconnect. (That passage where someone says that they're not a part of the body if they can't be the eye was used. You know the one I'm talking about). And I've kind of been dwelling on that lately. Because as much as I don't want to lose what me and God already have, he's also put me in this group. And I tend to look for the easiest way OUT of the group. There have been cases where I really do feel like it was the best thing for me to leave. And then there have been other cases. Like the one I'm in now. I'm in a new Bible study that I believe I need to stay in for the time being for the simple reason that I need to learn to stay in relationships even when they're not perfect. I need to learn to be my brother's keeper. I need to confront in love and react well when I'm confronted. I need to learn to stop running my mouth all the time (otherwise known as gossiping. I'm a gossiping queen).

And what's really nice about all this (I'm sure there's many things, but the one I'm thinking about right now) is that God's giving me a way to work on these things while still fulfilling my desire to roam. I'm moving soon. I'm going to work on these relationships till then. It's not a permanent setup. He's not making me stay in one place for a long time until I "get it right." He's not changing the plan and requiring me to get a husband to work through these issues with (I believe that marriages are designed to make people holy. I have no doubt that the best way for me to work on the issues mentioned in the paragraph above would be to work on them on a daily basis in a marriage context. I would be beyond thrilled to do that someday. But I do not believe that day is in the immediate future for me. Just to be clear). He's letting me keep my personality and changing the things about me that are actually wrong. Which is quite nice of Him. And it reminds me that God actually likes who I am. Not the sin (which is a BIG part of who I am). But you know, the other stuff.