I'm a runner...

I love being single. I don't want to lie and try to pretend like I'm in this phase of life where I'm feeling fulfilled and content 100% of the time, but I do love being single.

I'm a runner.

I didn't realize this about myself. I've always thought of myself as loyal and the kind of girl who finishes what she starts. And that's true. For the most part, I don't quit sports, clubs, organizations, volunteer work, or jobs. I stick up for my friends even when they're wrong because they're MY FRIENDS darn it. I don't (or haven't yet) changed majors.

But I'm so quick to quit Bible studies, churches, and any other type of christian gathering. My reasoning is simple. I love God. And I don't want to be involved in something that will suck that love out of me. I don't ever want to associate "Bible study" with "boring." That would be a crying shame. So if my Bible study IS boring, then it would be better for me not to go. To keep the love that I have for God is worth sacrificing fellowship for. That's what I choose to believe. So I tend to allow myself to roam in this area. Because, to be honest, sometimes people annoy me.

And lately (in the past year and a half) I've been finding myself wanting to roam in other areas too. I want to live somewhere new, I want to try something new, I just want OUT. And I've come to really appreciate being a single christian woman because I realize that when I think I'm randomly wandering God is really leading me to places that are better than where I was before.

So the wandering I've come to appreciate. But then, about a month and a half ago, I went to this women's retreat. One of my friends was speaking that weekend and I remember her talking about the Body of Christ. I don't remember her exact words and I'm nervous to paraphrase them because I don't know if I will do it correctly. But she was talking about the Body of Christ and how sometimes, when women aren't getting what they want from it, or participating in it the way they want to, or being used the way they want to, they choose to disconnect. (That passage where someone says that they're not a part of the body if they can't be the eye was used. You know the one I'm talking about). And I've kind of been dwelling on that lately. Because as much as I don't want to lose what me and God already have, he's also put me in this group. And I tend to look for the easiest way OUT of the group. There have been cases where I really do feel like it was the best thing for me to leave. And then there have been other cases. Like the one I'm in now. I'm in a new Bible study that I believe I need to stay in for the time being for the simple reason that I need to learn to stay in relationships even when they're not perfect. I need to learn to be my brother's keeper. I need to confront in love and react well when I'm confronted. I need to learn to stop running my mouth all the time (otherwise known as gossiping. I'm a gossiping queen).

And what's really nice about all this (I'm sure there's many things, but the one I'm thinking about right now) is that God's giving me a way to work on these things while still fulfilling my desire to roam. I'm moving soon. I'm going to work on these relationships till then. It's not a permanent setup. He's not making me stay in one place for a long time until I "get it right." He's not changing the plan and requiring me to get a husband to work through these issues with (I believe that marriages are designed to make people holy. I have no doubt that the best way for me to work on the issues mentioned in the paragraph above would be to work on them on a daily basis in a marriage context. I would be beyond thrilled to do that someday. But I do not believe that day is in the immediate future for me. Just to be clear). He's letting me keep my personality and changing the things about me that are actually wrong. Which is quite nice of Him. And it reminds me that God actually likes who I am. Not the sin (which is a BIG part of who I am). But you know, the other stuff.