I hate when people say this. I hate hearing it, even if it's not directed at me. I'm not sure that I can verbalize why. I think it's a combination of 1) my upbringing in a legalistic school (once I found out that some things that people told me I couldn't do, I actually COULD do, I may have gone a little overboard) and 2) my annoyance at people who appear to me to use this mantra as an excuse to spend their lives in front of their televisions. in my mind, if you're telling me that I can't have it all, do it all, etc. then you've just chosen to settle in ways that I haven't yet.
and yet....
i'm finding that it's true at times. i don't want to admit this. i hate typing this. i'm only doing it because i can't analyze my thoughts until i get them OUT. once it's on paper, typed into my blog, spoken to a friend, etc. i can think about it. i can realize that my thoughts are completely stupid or that i do have a point or something in between. no matter how terrible my thoughts are, i have to put them in a place where i can look at them. (i've been thinking about this lately. i'm reading a rob bell book for a church group thing that i'm doing. i'm reading critically because quite frankly i don't like rob bell's written words. he makes alot of implications but doesn't actually SAY what he means. and i don't have any love or appreciation for that. but i do the same thing. so i'm working on it.)
so anyways, off the rabbit trail and back to the point. i can't have it all. i have to prioratize. i can't go to camp this summer. there's a person in my life that i can never talk to again. ever. i hate that. i don't even know if i WANT to talk to this person again, but i would like to believe that i COULD. i want to THINK that i could go back to camp this summer and it would work out. i also want to think alot of other things, like that i could learn italian, read The Brothers Karamazov, do alot of volunteer work, catch up with all my friends, and alot of other things all before I go back to school. I want to do ALOT of other things and i don't know for sure if i can have it all or not but for right now i have to prioritize. school is one of the biggest things that i want right now and so there's other things that i'm choosing not to do. maybe i should stop telling myself that i can't do them and start telling myself that i'm choosing not to do them. i don't know. i just really don't like throwing all my eggs in one basket. is that the saying?? eggs in one nest?? o i don't know. but anyways. i don't like putting all my efforts in to one thing. it's scary. because if i mess up that one thing then i'm left with....nothing. but if i don't put all my efforts into one thing then i'm left with....alot of things that i don't even really want. or at least not very much.
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I am writing this here just because we aren't together to actually have a conversation. Here are my thoughts (if you want to read them):
ReplyDeleteI really like that you don't follow any limitations that any person tries to set (or inadvertently sets) on you.I have always found joy in the fact that, while there was a time (long ago!) when you copied everything I did, you are YOURSELF. Completely. I feel like the many differences between you, me, and Steven point to a creative God. And I enjoy that.
But the thing about having it all? Maybe you're right. Maybe we can't. But MAYBE we just can't have it all RIGHT NOW. One day, whether in heaven or on earth, everything will be set right. One day, that relationship with that boy will be set right, one day all of your deepest, truest desires will be filled. Like you, I hash things out best while writing (or talking!). And while I'm writing, I'm wondering if by wishing so hard to have "everything" we want (and I say "we" because I've been having similar struggles lately), we're actually limiting ourselves (and God?). Maybe he has some different ideas?
No words of wisdom here, Katie Lynn. Just thoughts.
I love you lots.
AND you're great at what you do.
Oh, and one more thing...if you "mess up," it only means you tried hard enough to do so. That you took risks. You went on adventure. And THAT is commendable (and something I almost hope for.)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the blog world. You're a treasure.