fasting and my feelings...

so tonight was pretty much just like last night. i found myself at work, stuffing my face with donuts and thinking about...fasting. i've fasted occasionally in high school, but pretty much stopped completely after 10th grade. i think it's a really good thing to do; get rid of all the sugar/salt/crap that you inevitably take in through your food and spend a day or two focusing. it's good for the soul. but i don't do it and i was thinking about why not. and that led me to thinking about two big issues that i think are getting in the way-my issues with food and my issues with anxiety.

i've been dieting since i was 7. seriously. i was the only kid on the playground who knew how many calories were in her pb&j AND how many miles of jogging it would take to burn them off (what i didn't know was what a mile was, and i never actually logged any of them). i've binged. i've purged. i've exercised. i've dieted. i've been a member of weight watchers. i'm always starting and stopping diets. balance is something that i have yet to master. i think part of my issue with fasting is that i'm so used to starting things when i feel like it and stopping when i get too hungry. my body's used to it too. it's like, "ok, i'll put up with this BS for a little while, but eventually you're going to get hungry and give in." i've spent so much time struggling/obsessing over food that i really don't know how to master it, even for a short time, even for a purpose that i feel is really important. i don't appear to be a girl with issues. it's kindof funny at times; i'm the girl who really wants to skip dinner so that she can eat three pieces of the cake that she loves so dearly. but for this purpose, it's a bit more serious than that.

the other issue is my anxiety. i've never been a big fan of, well, feeling things. i know that sounds terrible. heartless even. i get really excited when i get my period because that means i can blame the entire previous weeks' emotions on hormones. it's not me, it's the chemicals in my body. i just usually try to avoid strong emotions when i can. i like/trust logic. it makes sense. slowly i'm learning that, although my feelings CAN be dramatic, deceitful little bitches, they can also provide me with some really great insights. i cry/feel sad about a boy more often than i laugh/feel happy about him. it's time to walk away (thank you harsh life lesson of 2009). i feel really good/accomplished at the end of a college semester-i like what i'm doing and should continue. it's worth the stress i feel during the semester.

i am starting to be able to make sense out of my feelings. but the one feeling that i canNOT make sense of is my anxiety. like where it comes from or what it might be telling me. it takes my ability to plan ahead to a weird/unhealthy extreme. like i'm already thinking about how hard the workload is going to be for law school and panicing. thinking about financing it makes me breathing go a little weird. this anxiety materializes in smaller ways too. i wake up in the morning and worry that i haven't slept enough. i better caffeinate up just in CASE it turns out that i feel tired later. i had a hard day at work and don't feel like doing anything. i better skip the gym and go home (to sit on the couch) just in CASE i get there and still don't feel like working out (even though that's never happened before). i don't like this feeling because it makes me think i need things when i don't. it makes me give up/give in too easily. i think that the reason that i haven't been a successful faster in the past few years is that i wake up thinking/worrying about how hungry i'll be later and given my history with food, that i won't be able to deal. after a few hours of this i'm like o what the heck, at least i made it til 10am.

Jesus' awesome advice was to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. Sufficient for today are today's troubles. He also said not to be anxious about anything but with prayer and petition to present my requests to God. My anxiety isn't going away (actually, i think the fasting will probably help with it. there's nothing like reducing your sugar intake for a little while to mellow you out) but i can bring the things that i'm anxious about to God. i can ask him to keep my mind on THIS day, THIS hour. i need to stay in the present. i need to fast, darn it.