big head, little body

i did it. two weeks notice at job number two was given as of yesterday. in case you haven't noticed from the numerous times i've mentioned it here, (or inevitably heard me talk about it if we happen to be chatty friends) i REALLY struggled with whether or not to keep working both jobs. i don't think it's being too dramatic to say that it was a painful dilemma for me. as soon as i gave the notice,i felt really good about it. calm. peaceful. and i found myself asking, WHY was this such a big struggle for me? why did i try so hard to make it work when it obviously wasn't? (as evidenced by a bitchy, miserable me who had or took no time to do anything). i do think it's a reasonable argument that i need the money for school. it sounds ok. no one can argue this point.

but here's my issue. my big issue in life. i have a big head!! i'm selfish and prideful. i want my things to be MINE. ithink i wanted to work myself crazy so that i would have more money so that i could pay for more of my schooling. i want it to be MY accomplishment. i don't want help. i would rather alienate myself from everyone that i love and spend all my time at work, even though i spend alot of time in a zombie like state. i don't know if this is conceited of me to say, but i do plan on doing some awesome things with my life. i plan on helping people. empathizing. being a shoulder to lean on but one who can actually DO something about the problem, because i have a fancy degree to back it up. i want to be good, but i want the credit for my own goodness. that is really what it comes down to.

so basically the thoughts that has been going through my head for the past two days sound something like this how much credit am i trying to take away from God? He called me to Himself-am i trying to take the credit for that? He raised this life from the dead-am itrying to take the credit for that? and what would happen if i acknowledged that i had NOTHING to do with those things?? what if i gave God the credit that he was due?? ASKED him to do more things? and what if i did that with people too?? acknowledged that i need them to get through law school (heck to get through life in general). asked them to help me. i'll get farther if i ask for/accept help, but my big head has an issue with that because i want to be able to say that i did it on my own. what a sinner i am.

in other new, i started listening to my timothy keller sermons today. heard one on james in the car today. it was about using the Bible as a mirror and making necessary changes. it was awesome. i'm going to listen to it a bunch of times before i start a new one. really let it sink in.